In this post, User Experience team intern Hannah Watson shares her work over the summer researching digital content accessibility with the EdWeb 2 publishing community.

Introduction

As part of my internship with the User Experience Service, I have been investigating digital accessibility at the content level across University web pages, particularly on EdWeb 2 sites. Digital accessibility at the content level is about applying principles of accessibility to how web content is written and formatted. This includes, but is not limited to, content features such as heading levels, links, and alt text. It does not include anything that is not involved with content design or that is controlled at a higher level by the Content Management System (CMS), such as font, font size, or colour contrast.

Research aims and scope

The specific research questions for this project were:

• How do web publishers learn about digital content accessibility?
• What do web publishers know about digital content accessibility?
• How do web publishers implement digital accessibility requirements and principles in their content?
• What challenges do web publishers face in creating digitally accessible content?

More comprehensively, I was investigating the accessibility of:

• Heading levels
  • Ensuring that heading levels are used correctly
  • Not using heading levels for emphasis
• Links
  • Clear and concise link text which describes the linked destination
  • Link text which makes sense on its own
  • Avoiding URLs on web pages
• Lists
• Alt text
  • Clear link text that describes the image
• Images
  • Ensuring that all images have appropriate alt text
  • Avoiding images of text
• Videos
  • Including human-corrected captions with any videos uploaded to web pages
  • Making sure that transcripts are available for all videos uploaded to web pages
• Italic, bold, and underlined text

For more detailed guidance on these topics, please refer to the University of Edinburgh editorial style guide.

Editorial style guide | Information Services

This research has been necessary for the User Experience team as it allows us to identify which areas of content accessibility are challenging for web publishers. From this, the team can adapt guidance and training to provide extra support on these more challenging areas where possible.

Research methods

Interviews with web publishers

I started my research by setting up short, informal interviews with six University web publishers. In these interviews, I asked the publishers about their experiences of creating digitally accessible content. The aim of these conversations was to understand how publishers learned about digital accessibility and what challenges they face when making content as accessible as it can be. During the interviews, we referred to web pages that these publishers work on to get concrete examples that illustrate the topics we discussed. Through these interviews, I was able to identify a number of trends, particularly in the challenges that the interviewees and their colleagues face.

Survey of EdWeb 2 publishers and the Web Accessibility Special Interest Group

Following these interviews, I created a survey to further investigate the findings and collate more supporting evidence for these findings. The survey consisted of 10 questions, three of which were demographic based as a filter, with a final question asking permission to follow up with those who responded.

The other six questions asked about:

• which actions the participants took to make their content digitally accessible
• what resources they used to do so
• what challenges they face in doing so

The findings from the survey were effective in making the information gathered in interviews more robust and provided further evidence for some trends that were identified previously.

To publicise this survey, I sent a brief statement explaining my research into two Teams channels, the Web Accessibility Special Interest Group and the EdWeb 2 Community. Overall, the survey received five responses, and while this is a limited number, I found that it helped to support the findings from the interviews.

Analysis of Effective Digital Content workbooks

The final method of research that I used to learn about the digital accessibility of content on University web pages was by looking at pages that were submitted within Effective Digital Content workbooks as part of the course. The course requires learners to choose pages from a University website and assess the effectiveness of the content. By looking at the pages that learners selected, I was able to use active examples and make note of content accessibility issues that were present on live pages. This process also highlighted a number of trends.

This method of research was also useful in that it provided two separate sources of data. Firstly, the answers in the workbook helped me to gauge learners’ understanding of the principles covered in the course. Secondly, the web pages linked by those taking the course allowed me to have live examples of content to assess against content accessibility principles. While there was not necessarily overlap between the answers in the workbook and the pages submitted as part of the workbook (as some people may not have been fully or at all responsible for the content on those pages, or the content could have been updated since the workbook was submitted), it was useful to see these things separately.

Findings about accessibility

Combining findings from all areas of research for this project, I have identified a number of trends in the accessibility of digital content.

Headings, alt text, and links are the principles most often put into practice by participants

In the interviews and the survey, participants were asked what principles of accessible digital content they actively used when designing content. More than half of participants mentioned three principles in particular, with all participants mentioning at least two, which were:

• using the correct heading levels
• adding meaningful alt text to an image
• writing clear and descriptive link text

Interestingly, while these principles were mentioned frequently by participants, and evidenced by the websites that we discussed in interviews, they are also principles that are often missed on University web pages. This is discussed in more detail in the corresponding sections further on in this post.

PDFs are hard to avoid

One standout finding from the interviews was that web publishers sometimes struggle to find an effective alternative to PDFs. While PDFs are not necessarily accessible, they do have benefits which make them useful for publishers. For example, they are downloadable, searchable, and cannot be easily edited without permission from the owner. There are ways to make PDFs more accessible, such as avoiding decorative images, adhering to accessible content design principles within the PDF, and checking colour contrast. However, the interviewees were more in favour of finding a way to turn their content into a webpage as this is more likely to result in accessible content.

Out of the survey responses, three also mentioned that they had recently chosen to publish content as a web page rather than as a PDF, highlighting their knowledge that a web page is preferable in terms of accessibility. However, their personal preferences or how difficult they found this is unknown as I was unable to follow up with these participants.

Heading levels are often skipped and headings vague

Across web pages that I assessed for correct heading levels, there were several which skipped heading levels throughout the page content, such as going straight to a heading 3 without that heading being nested within a heading 2 section. Additionally, headings on the University web pages that I investigated were often generic, instead of being specific about what a page or section will contain, which is the recommended approach.

The fact that the web publishers who were interviewed and surveyed were aware of the importance of correct headings levels and specific headings, and that the majority of these publishers have attended a staff training or used the editorial style guide, suggests that the guidance provided is accurate and useful for publishers.

To increase the use of correct heading levels, as well as clear and descriptive headings on web pages, participant responses suggest that increasing the reach and engagement of existing training and resources involving headings would be effective. This includes training provided by the User Experience Service, such as Effective Digital Content or Content Improvement Club, and the University of Edinburgh editorial style guide.

Alt text is well written but sometimes missed

In three of the interviews, and in two survey responses, participants mentioned that they struggled to find the time to add alt text to images on their web pages. However, participants in the interviews also stated that they understood the importance of alt text, and what writing meaningful and clear alt text involves. This is reflected in the answers in Effective Digital Content workbooks. The course contains a question asking learners to write meaningful alt text for two images, and this question is often answered well. This suggests that web publishers understand how to write alt text, and that the obstacle in doing so is more likely to be related to time and resource.

One way that time constraints on adding alt text could be improved is to reduce the number of images on a web page, which will not only make this task more manageable but also is also more sustainable.

Explaining acronyms and abbreviations is common

All five responses to the survey stated that they had explained an acronym or abbreviation recently. Although this did not come up in the interviews often – only once – the survey responses suggest that this is common practice for web publishers who are familiar with digital accessibility principles.

Link text is frequently inline or not descriptive

Participants stated that they understand the importance of clear link text as a principle and make effort to implement this into their content. However, similar to headings, this sentiment is not reflected across numerous University web pages. In some of the pages submitted as part of the Effective Digital Content workbooks that I investigated, there were frequent occurrences of inline link text, or link text that does not clearly describe the linked destination.

To increase the writing of link text on a separate line, as well as clear and descriptive link text, participant responses suggest that increasing the reach and engagement of existing training and resources involving links would be effective. This includes training provided by the User Experience Service, such as Effective Digital Content or Content Improvement Club, and the University of Edinburgh editorial style guide.

Findings about staff experience and engagement

A trend from both the interviews and survey responses is that for many of the people involved with this research, their knowledge of digital accessibility started with a personal interest. Specific examples of this that participants mentioned include learning about accessibility as a student (and then going on to be an accessibility advocate for a student society) and working with disabled students and learning through experience.

During the interviews, multiple staff members mentioned that they believe, through their experiences, that a large part of issues with creating accessible digital content at the University surrounds communication. A combination of factors was discussed that had communication at the centre, including:

• the importance of digital accessibility not being widespread enough.
• consistency about expectations between schools or areas of the University, such as one page being edited by multiple schools or areas and having different standards.

Job-based constraints were also mentioned frequently, such as limited time to add alt text to all images on a web page and working on a page where the lead publisher takes a design forward approach which can sometimes clash with accessible content principles. These answers were also reflected in the survey responses, with all of the responses mentioning either one or both of these problems.

What resources do web publishers use for learning about and developing their digital accessibility skills?

The primary resource that participants mentioned using to learn about digital accessibility and develop their skills was University-provided staff training, with 10 of 11 participants mentioning this. Effective Digital Content was specifically mentioned twice, and Content Improvement Club three times. In the interviews, two participants mentioned more general staff training, with one survey response saying the same. In the survey responses, three participants also said that they used training provided by the Disability Information Team.

The Web Content Accessibility Guidelines 2.2 (WCAG) is another resource that was frequently mentioned by participants, with six in total saying that this is a resource that they use as guidance on accessibility.

The University of Edinburgh editorial style guide was mentioned by five participants as a resource that they used to provide guidance on digital accessibility, in which the guidance reflects what publishers learn in training courses, meaning that information they take from the style guide is in line with accessibility and content design training.

What I learned from researching content accessibility approaches in EdWeb

I learned a lot during my time researching how web publishers at the University of Edinburgh approach creating accessible digital content. I thoroughly enjoyed the opportunity to work with staff from a variety of different areas of the University. This helped me to learn how to identify commonalities in interview and survey responses despite the areas of work being distinct. I also enjoyed this because I was able to learn much more about the work that goes on across the University and what the work of other teams involved.

I also particularly enjoyed the format of my internship being a combination of individual work and working with other members of my team and the Disability Information team. This balance allowed me to set my own goals while still getting the opportunity to work and learn collaboratively as part of a team, prioritising my tasks between my own and those that I was working on with others.

A limitation of my work was that it was much easier to contact and work with staff who have a genuine interest in the subject area of accessibility, which does not lead to research that is representative of how University staff approach digital accessibility as a whole. Having done the research that I have so far, a continuation of the research would be most beneficial if it focused on the experiences and approaches of staff who are less familiar with digital accessibility requirements and principles, as this would create a more well-rounded understanding of web publisher accessibility approaches at the content level.

Furthermore, another limitation of the work was the time constraints which have restricted my ability to develop solutions to issues identified during the research period. This was expected to a degree, as the solutions depended on the outcomes of the research, which has taken the majority of the 12-week period. The positive outcome of this is that the research and findings will provide the User Experience service with information that allows for both further research and for adaptations to guidance and training if it is deemed necessary.

Conclusion

This research has helped the User Experience Service to assess their training and the resources that are available for publishers to learn more about digital content accessibility. Keeping in touch with the publishing community through projects like this helps the team to direct their effort to real challenges that publishers face on a day to day basis.

The research completed throughout the duration of this project will be supported and advanced by further investigation, particularly by communicating with web publishers who are less involved with digital accessibility as a whole. This will likely help in providing more concrete solutions to digital content accessibility issues across EdWeb 2 pages.

Social media scuttlebutt about Mark Zuckerberg’s $300 million superyacht failing to assist stranded boaters off the coast of Alaska was partly corroborated by ship-tracking data—and eventually prompted responses from both the US Coast Guard and a spokesperson for Zuckerberg.

The incident was made public when Michael Love, a passenger aboard the replica steamship Wilderness Legacy during an Alaska cruise, posted about it on the social media platform Bluesky. The ship detoured to rescue a stranded 21-foot skiff with two women, a child and a dog, after the US Coast Guard had supposedly first radioed Zuckerberg’s superyacht, Launchpad, for help without success.

“There was near unanimous booing when the captain announced this,” Love wrote in describing the Alaska cruise passengers’ response to the lack of help from Zuckerberg’s ship.

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One afternoon, I sat at my kitchen table in tears. I didn’t want to cry — I did everything I could to stop the tears, but they came anyway. My youngest child had just told me she wished I would put on my headphones to listen to my music instead of playing it through our Bluetooth speakers.

Totally harmless comment. No big deal, right? Not with rejection sensitivity.

When my kids were born, I had all these ideas about the kind of home I wanted them to grow up in. One of those ideas? A home filled with music. It was a memory I wanted them to carry and share with their own kids. Something I thought would be joyful.

As dramatic as it sounds, it hurt to hear that my dream for my daughter’s childhood was basically an annoyance. I reflected on years past when she did dance and sing with me in the kitchen, which only made the pain worse. But I made sure my daughter knew I was just sad about the situation, not upset at her.

[Read: It’s OK to Cry — and Other Lessons from a Sensitive Mom with ADHD]

Parenthood with rejection sensitivity means navigating many benign yet painful moments, knowing that our children don’t mean harm. Babies can make us feel rejected when they cry and cry and nothing we’re doing is soothing them. We feel rejected when our toddlers turn away from us, though we know we are their entire world.

Rejection sensitivity hits harder as they become older. They become embarrassed to be seen with us. The hugs get fewer and farther between. They test boundaries, disapprove of our decisions, and reject advice from us as they practice independence. They accuse us – the people who want nothing but their happiness – of not wanting them to have fun or be happy. They don’t yet realize how deeply their words sink. In many ways, our children can unintentionally make us feel like we’re falling short.

How to Parent with Rejection Sensitivity

1. Broaden your view.
My therapist told me that practically all parents struggle with feelings of inadequacy. After all, there are an infinite number of ways to be a good parent. Yet we tend to focus on the things we can’t do, and that convinces us that we’ve fallen short.

2. Stop mind reading.
If your child happens to point out that, hey, all their friends get to play baseball so why can’t they, and the reason is that you don’t have the money to pay for both baseball and cello and you chose cello, it can feel like your child is saying your parenting is not good enough.

[Read: How to Control Your Emotions and RSD in Real Time]

That isn’t what they’re saying. What they’re saying is, they want to play baseball. Notice when you’re developing a story out of nothing, and focus on the evidence.

3. Practice letting go (and practice some more).
Living with AuDHD, I often fall into the trap of taking everything people say, including the things said by my children, literally and to heart. And because I have those delightful additional negative messages in my brain from when I was a child, it is not easy to convince myself that I should brush it off and let it go. But I’ve gotten better at it.

As an adult, I have the ability and responsibility to look at the things my children say through the lens of them being teenagers – with developing brains and unstable hormones – and me being the grown-up.

When warranted, I tell my children their comment was hurtful or uncalled for, but I don’t let it settle into my heart.

4. Regulate and return.
Rejection sensitivity means that I sometimes have to walk away from a conversation with the promise to come back to it later, when I’m calmer. Sometimes it means switching to communicating through text so I don’t blurt out anything I don’t mean. Sometimes it means processing my feelings privately or with my therapist. I’ll go for a walk until my anger or frustration simmer, as losing my temper will help no one.

When I walk away or pause, I make sure my children know that I’m trying to regulate – not that I’m walking away from them.

My job isn’t to never feel rejected. My job is to make sure my rejection sensitivity doesn’t trigger a negative cycle that becomes theirs to handle.

Rejection Sensitivity and Parenting: Next Steps

• Read: “4 Rules for Taking a Mom Rage Break”
• Read: “My Child’s Short Fuse Lights My Short Fuse.”
• Read: How to Stop Emotional Distress from Snowballing

ADDITUDE IS HUMAN
Artificial intelligence does not create or edit any written content published by ADDitude. Our editorial team is 100% human, and our mission is simple: listen to and serve our readers with hand-crafted, expert-informed resources. To support ADDitude, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our commitment possible. Thank you.

Most people don’t recognize ADHD ableism when they’re swimming in it. They come into therapy sessions saying things like,

“Why can’t my partner just follow through?”

“My child should know better by now.”

“This shouldn’t be so hard for them.”

Most people also become needlessly (but understandably) defensive when they’re told that they’re acting ableist toward the people in their lives with ADHD. Ableism is often unconscious, shaped from societal conditioning that sets neurotypical functioning as the norm. Even people with ADHD can experience internalized ableism.

Ableism isn’t always loud or intentionally hurtful. Often, it shows up as harmless, “common sense” beliefs like the following:

• “Everyone should be able to sit still and listen.”
• “You just have to try harder.”
• “Following directions is a basic life skill.”
• “If it mattered, you’d remember.”

[Read: Has ADHD Warped Your Sense of Self?]

Ableism Breeds Frustration and Disconnection

Ableism inevitably leads to frustration, as neurotypical people attempt to make sense of the behaviors of their partners or children with ADHD that do not match their expectations. Worst of all, ableism often causes us to view symptoms and different ways of functioning as character flaws. A partner who forgets the plan is viewed as careless. A child who needs multiple prompts to start homework is labeled as lazy. Over time, these stories quietly damage connection.

How to Dismantle ADHD Ableism

Accept That We All Have Blind Spots

Ableism is a belief system that we all inherited and perpetuate without realizing. Unconscious ableist behaviors don’t make you a bad partner or parent. The explanations you were handed for ADHD behaviors were incomplete at best, and deeply stigmatizing at worse. Acknowledging ableism isn’t about blaming yourself, but about accepting the waters in which you have been swimming.

Right-Size Expectations

When I untangle ableism in therapy with my patients, what we’re actually doing is replacing outdated expectations with ones rooted in accuracy, compassion, and neurological reality.

[Read: What We Wish Our Partners Understood About ADHD]

Things begin to shift for the better once you recognize that your expectations of your child or partner never considered their neurodivergent wiring. When you find yourself frustrated, pause and consider:

• Is this about what’s realistic for their brain?
• Is it about what I was taught a “functional adult” should do?
• Is the standard I’m holding supportive or is it inherited?

Acknowledging ableism isn’t about dismissing challenges or letting people off the hook. Your frustration is real, your needs are real, and your exhaustion is real.

You don’t have to abandon your needs to embrace a neurodivergent-informed lens. You can hold both truths — “I need support” and “the old rulebook doesn’t fit this relationship.”

When families step into this updated understanding, something remarkable happens:

• Relationships soften
• Communication improves
• Kids feel less defective
• And partners feel understood.

Ableism and ADHD: Next Steps

• Read: Your Child Is Not Giving You a Hard Time. Your Child Is Having a Hard Time.
• Read: “What I Wish My Partner Knew About My ADHD”
• Read: 42 Raw Confessions from Women with ADHD

ADDITUDE IS HUMAN
Artificial intelligence does not create or edit any written content published by ADDitude. Our editorial team is 100% human, and our mission is simple: listen to and serve our readers with hand-crafted, expert-informed resources. To support ADDitude, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our commitment possible. Thank you.

Ukrainian drone strikes have forced Russia to completely halt shipping in the Sea of Azov in less than a week, showing once again how a country without traditional naval power can still effectively blockade maritime corridors.

Ukraine’s Unmanned Systems Forces have flown one-way attack drones to target and strike more than 100 Russian tankers and other ships in total, along with posting video evidence showing such drone strikes occurring every night between July 6 and July 14. The campaign has forced Russia to completely shut down the shipping route that flows from Russia’s Don River into the Sea of Azov, and to halt all Kerch Strait shipping transits from the Sea of Azov into the Black Sea, according to Reuters reporting.

The shutdown of such maritime lanes has further isolated the Russian-occupied Crimean Peninsula by cutting off seaborne delivery of fuel in particular. Crimea had already been experiencing severe fuel rationing and power outages as Ukraine stepped up its mid- and long-range drone strike campaign on Russian energy infrastructure and supply lines, leaving behind damaged oil refineries with billowing black smoke and burned-out trucks littering highways.

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Q: As a man with ADHD, I struggle with finding and keeping male friends. What is a good way to go about building and maintaining connections with other men?

Male friendships are often formed around activities. For men with ADHD, struggles with time awareness and consistency can make regular attendance at group outings and sports events, for example, challenging. When people don’t show up, fellow members may assume they are disinterested.

Male Friendship Tip #1: Join Groups and Activities Aligned with Your Interests

Joining groups strongly aligned with your passions can help with this. Find a compelling activity that is done on a regular basis with mostly the same group of people. If you are athletic, join a softball or tennis league, or a fitness or running group. If that’s not your jam, join a local car enthusiasts club, a cooking class, or a music ensemble. The more niche the interest, the easier it can be to make connections.

[Free Webinar: “The Hidden Complexities of Men with ADHD”]

I recently introduced two friends and, in the process, learned that they were both ham radio enthusiasts. I didn’t know this about either one, but when they started talking jargon about equipment and antennas, they bonded instantly.

Male Friendship Tip #2: Find a “Third Place”

Another way to make friends is to find a “third place.” This is somewhere you go regularly other than work, home, or school, and where you’ll likely bond with like-minded people. My third place is the dojo, a training space for martial arts. For you, it might be a makerspace, a local coffee shop, or even a comic bookstore. The trick is to go regularly around the same time so you see, and talk to, the same people.

You want to get to know the folks who work there, too. Their acceptance will show others you belong and will open doors to friendship opportunities. Find out when the regulars show up and base your arrival time on that. If the place you pick has regular events like workshops or game nights, be sure to attend them.

Repeated exposure is a strong predictor of male friendship. So pick one or two groups and stick with them. Then, work to deepen one or two budding relationships by inviting people to do something else. Keep it short, casual, and clear, with low emotional energy.

[Free Download: Become a Small-Talk Superstar]

You might say: “I’m going to hit the coffee shop after this. Want to join?” Or, “Any interest in watching the game on Sunday?” This will let you test the waters on building a deeper connection with someone.

One word of caution: Don’t go too deep too fast. We men with ADHD can chase people away with a poorly timed info dump. Get going, join an activity, and have fun!

Male Friendship Advice: Next Steps

• Download: The ADHD Friendship Guide for Adults
• Read: What Terrifies Men? Vulnerability.
• Read: On Finding a Healthier Way to Be a Man

Brendan Mahan, M.Ed., M.S., is the producer and host of the ADHD Essentials podcast.

ADDITUDE IS HUMAN
Artificial intelligence does not create or edit any written content published by ADDitude. Our editorial team is 100% human, and our mission is simple: listen to and serve our readers with hand-crafted, expert-informed resources. To support ADDitude, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our commitment possible.

As if having ADHD and a history of self-criticism isn’t bad enough, try taking on the role of a stay-at-home spouse and dad. It’s guaranteed to make you question your worth even more.

When you aren’t the primary wage earner, you carry more of the domestic load — but the labor is invisible. An empty sink with no dirty dishes just looks empty. Laundry washed and folded disappears into drawers and closets, effort unseen. Kids arriving at school on time day in and day out — an accomplishment that’s expected.

Because we don’t “see” or acknowledge these results in the same way that we recognize a paycheck, it is easy to discount their value — and this is true for any stay-at-home parent. But here’s where ADHD can exacerbate the lack of appreciation for this invisible labor: We put away the dishes, but the counter didn’t get wiped down. The kids got to school, but their lunch boxes didn’t make it into their backpacks. Taking on the burden of running the household with ADHD can make us feel like we’re failing even when we mostly hit the mark.

Rewriting the Stay-at-Home-Dad Playbook

One of the most pernicious feelings stemming from ADHD is inadequacy; no matter how much effort we put in, it doesn’t measure up. And because I’m no longer the breadwinner in my house, what was once an easy metric of how well I’m supporting my family — a paying job — is now gone.

[Free Webinar: “The Hidden Complexities of Men with ADHD”]

We, stay-at-home husbands and dads, need to reframe our definition of success. Instead of measuring our worth in dollars, we need to measure it in impact. Because when we set up systems that work with our brains instead of against them, we can be that rock for our families.

That might mean:

• using timers for tasks and appointments
• creating family checklists
• finding sensory-safe cleaning products
• giving yourself grace when mistakes happen
• finding support with people in similar situations

Making peace with this shift in traditional marital and parental roles isn’t about ignoring discomfort; it’s about finding your own version of thriving. For men with ADHD, this is a powerful opportunity to rewrite your story of worth – not tied to money or status but to connection, presence, and growth.

Stay-at-Home Dads: Next Steps

• Download: Get Control of Your Life and Schedule
• Read: Calling Dads with ADHD — How to Have a Calm, Loving Relationship with Your Child
• Read: ADHD Symptoms in Men Manifest Differently
• Watch: “For Dads With (and Without) ADHD – How to Understand & Support Your Kids”

William Curb is the host of the Hacking Your ADHD podcast, where he shares practical, compassionate strategies for navigating life with ADHD. He is a husband and father of two.

ADDITUDE IS HUMAN
Artificial intelligence does not create or edit any written content published by ADDitude. Our editorial team is 100% human, and our mission is simple: listen to and serve our readers with hand-crafted, expert-informed resources. To support ADDitude, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our commitment possible. Thank you.

Money is undeniably essential and almost never discussed. For men, it’s a bulwark and a burden. Research shows that men tend to view money as a symbol of power, status, and social worth. It’s a measure of success and a solution to problems. If your financial life is in order, you’re doing something right. If it’s not, chances are you’re taking it hard.

For men with ADHD, money gets complicated fast.

Men in the U.S. earn, on average, 19% more than women. But this isn’t so for some men who have ADHD. The condition is linked with lower income across the lifespan, likely due to education barriers, workplace challenges, and a tendency toward self-employment that doesn’t always pan out. Healthcare costs are higher too; treating ADHD and related issues, like substance use disorder and accidental injuries, can cost thousands annually.

ADHD also makes managing money harder. Impulse purchases, late payments, and abandoned budgets are familiar problems. Add to those challenges temporal discounting — the tendency to devalue future rewards in favor of quicker payoffs — and you can see why meager retirement savings are so common. And because men face so much internal and external pressure to keep their financial lives together, the shame from a failure to do so can be intense.

[Read: The Hidden Complexities of Men with ADHD]

Money, Mental Health, and Marriage

It’s no surprise that financial stress is linked to depression and anxiety, which are already more common among people with ADHD. Even more sobering is the link to suicide risk. A large population study in Sweden found that ADHD is associated with a fourfold increase in suicide risk among men, with correlations between periods of financial strain and self-harm.

Men experience relatively worse health outcomes when they’re the sole breadwinner and when their spouse earns more than they do. The “provider” expectation cuts both ways: carrying it alone is exhausting, and not fulfilling it feels like failure. Often, a couple’s conversations about money can be loaded. ADHD makes it tougher to think and communicate clearly when emotions run high, which they typically do during such conversations.

My research at the Love and Money Center at the University of Georgia has found that, with couples, the partner who handles daily money tasks — tracking balances, paying bills, estimating upcoming expenses – tends to carry more of the emotional weight of financial stress, regardless of who earns more. In my clinical experience, that’s usually the non-ADHD partner.

[Read: Free ADHD-Friendly Budgeting Guide]

This can become a painful cycle: One partner handles the logistics and feels burdened and resentful; the other feels blamed and avoidant. Conflicts over money are often more destructive to relationships than other kinds of disagreements because they highlight our vulnerabilities and insecurities.

Not sure how to begin a conversation about finances without getting emotional, accusatory, or defensive? Set the stage with your partner by following these tips.

Take it slow. Conversations about aspects of your finances need not happen all at once. Set a timer for 20 or 30 minutes, then stop. Make a note about where you left off. No one wants to enter a conversation that feels like it will last several miserable hours, so don’t let it drag on.

Sync your numbers. Both partners should know which accounts exist, their balances, and the amount of debt owed. Keep track of these figures on paper or in a digital device so that no one has to hold them in working memory.

Watch your self-talk. If positive affirmations feel fake (I’ve got this!”), try values-based statements instead: “I value transparency in my life, and that includes our money.”

Be diplomatic. Money conversations can trigger defensiveness, and some partners end up blaming each other. Try reflecting back what your partner cares about. Say: “I know that you really want us to be on the same page. I’m trying to get there. It might take longer than you’d like, but I’m working on it.” If the conversation gets tense, do something that will help you regulate, like taking a calming walk.

Appreciate the money manager. If your partner handles the day-to-day finances, acknowledge that burden. Let them know you want to support their efforts rather than inadvertently undermine them.

A tool worth trying: Monarch Money is a budgeting app designed with couples in mind. Both partners can see the full picture, and its flexible budgeting approach works better for ADHD brains.

Money, Marriage, and Men with ADHD: Next Steps

• Free Download: Manage ADHD’s Impact on Your Relationship
• Read: On Finding a Healthier Way to Be a Man
• Read: 9 Ways ADHD May Strain Relationships

Christine Hargrove, Ph.D., LMFT, CFTTM, is a clinical assistant professor and the Assistant Director of the Love and Money Center at the University of Georgia.

ADDITUDE IS HUMAN
Artificial intelligence does not write or edit any content published by ADDitude. Our team is 100% human, and our mission is simple: listen to and serve our readers with hand-crafted, expert-informed resources. To support ADDitude, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our commitment possible. Thank you.

Sex is more than emotional. It is deeply sensory. Smell, touch, sound, temperature, and bodily proximity — these are all intensified in ADHD and autistic nervous systems. And that intensity can tip from pleasurable to overwhelming in an instant.

In my clinical work with neurodivergent adults and couples, I see this often. What looks like sexual disinterest is frequently a nervous system response to sensory overload. When the body shifts from pleasure to over-stimulation, staying present becomes neurologically difficult — even when desire and care are strong.

[Read: When Sex Feels Like “Too Much” and “Not Enough” Simultaneously]

This is where many couples tend to get stuck. Naming a sensory sensitivity during sex can feel embarrassingly personal. Saying something like, “This smell bothers me,” can sound like a rejection of a partner’s body or the intimacy being offered. Many neurodivergent men with whom I work say they remain silent because they fear that such expressions will cause pain or misunderstanding.

But silence comes at a cost. To move forward, reframe the experience. Rather than focusing on what’s wrong, say something like, “My body gets overwhelmed by certain sensory input, even when I want closeness. I’m not pulling away from you; I am trying to stay regulated so I can maintain our connection.”

[Read: Enhancing ADHD Intimacy – 3 Rules for a Lifetime of Great Sex]

This invites collaboration rather than defensiveness. When possible, have these conversations before intimacy to help support calm communication and reduce nervous system overload for both partners.

Sensory needs are a form of information. When this information is shared with care in a relationship, intimacy and connection can flourish.

Sensory Overload and Sex: Next Steps

• Free Download: Manage ADHD’s Impact on Your Relationship
• Watch: ADHD and Sex — Building Focus and Attention for Intimacy
• Read: 9 Ways ADHD May Strain Relationships

Leann Borneman, Ph.D., is an ADHD relationship and sex expert.

ADDITUDE IS HUMAN
Artificial intelligence does not create or edit any written content published by ADDitude. Our editorial team is 100% human, and our mission is simple: listen to and serve our readers with hand-crafted, expert-informed resources. To support ADDitude, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our commitment possible. Thank you.

Fathers are prompted, prodded, and pushed to share their emotions. Yet, when we do, it seldom works out as we hoped.

My client, Bill, told me about a time he asked his teen to move their dirty dishes from the living room to the kitchen sink. Over the following hour, frustration building, he asked a couple more times, but to no effect. Bill, who has ADHD, started yelling, which triggered more conflict with his teen. Bill expressed deep regret for his outburst during our session and sought ways to avoid similar situations in the future.

What went wrong? Bill showed his emotions, sure, but he waited too long to do so. Things didn’t escalate from 0 to 10 in just a few minutes, as it may have seemed; the emotional volcano built up steam for more than an hour.

[Watch This Free Webinar: “The Hidden Complexities of Men with ADHD”]

Like Bill, many people with ADHD struggle with interoception — the ability to recognize and understand internal signals like hunger, thirst, and, yes, emotions. Bill’s weak interoception meant that his escalating feelings were easily ignored because he barely noticed them in the first place. As he became increasingly frustrated, he failed to register the mounting pressure or communicate his feelings to avoid conflict.

Anger Erupts from Hidden Emotions

If we ignore emotions that are growing stronger, and instead try to hide them, we end up looking volatile, even explosive. And that can leave our friends and family walking on eggshells because they never know when we’re going to pop.

Recognizing and communicating our emotions early helps us avoid that trap.

Bill could have said to his teen, “This is the second time I’ve had to ask you to put the dishes away. I’m getting annoyed. When can I expect you to get this done?”

[Get This Free Resource: 15 Ways to Disarm (and Understand) Explosive ADHD Emotions]

Men, and especially fathers, are taught that our role is to keep everyone safe. Often, when we find our emotions escalating, it’s coming from a place of vulnerability. We may feel scared for our kid, disregarded by our spouse, or insecure about our parenting skills. Because we are not practiced at recognizing nuanced emotions, we mistake vulnerability for anger or feel the fight-or-flight impulse.

We, as men, need to do the work to gain the emotional intelligence and become the people we want to be.

ADHD Symptoms in Men: Next Steps

• Download: Get a Grip on Tough Emotions
• Read: On Finding a Healthier Way to Be a Man
• Read: ADHD Symptoms in Men Manifest Differently

Brendan Mahan, M.Ed., M.S., is the father of two teen boys with ADHD.

ADDITUDE IS HUMAN
Artificial intelligence does not create or edit any written content published by ADDitude. Our editorial team is 100% human, and our mission is simple: listen to and serve our readers with hand-crafted, expert-informed resources. To support ADDitude, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our commitment possible. Thank you.

Sex and intimacy have always caused trouble in my life. My ADHD brain chases dopamine and gets bored easily. My autistic brain struggles to process sensory input and communicate my needs. And, as a man, discussing these issues openly and candidly has felt like a tinderbox.

For many autistic people, sensory processing challenges don’t take a break during intimate moments, For me, smells are a problem. A partner’s natural body chemistry can cause overwhelming sensory triggers that shut down any possibility of intimacy. I also can’t handle specific sounds. And certain fabrics, skin sensations, or even the feeling of another person’s touch in specific ways can overload my senses.

I’m not being picky. These are neurological responses that I simply can’t ignore or power through. How do you tell a partner that something fundamental about their body chemistry or the sounds they utter trigger a sensory response that makes intimacy difficult? There’s never a good time for that conversation.

[Enhancing ADHD Intimacy: 3 Rules for a Lifetime of Great Sex]

ADHD and the Boredom Trap

ADHD creates a different problem entirely. Eventually, my ADHD brain gets bored, especially when sex isn’t changing up enough to keep that dopamine firing. The newness wears off, and the brain starts looking for the next source of stimulation.

Introducing new kinks or different things might help, but only temporarily. One of the biggest struggles I faced was realizing that, while I crave intimacy and sex, the act itself still got boring. And that boredom led to frustration, which is a massive struggle when you are trying to maintain a connection with someone you care about.

Having ADHD and autism means you need novelty to maintain interest. But when your partner tries something new, it may trigger a sensory response. It also means that, just when you find something that works, sensory-wise, your ADHD brain may suddenly decide it’s boring.

[Read: When Sex Feels Like “Too Much” and “Not Enough” Simultaneously]

Autism makes it hard to communicate what I need because the social script doesn’t exist. ADHD makes it hard to remember to have these conversations before they become urgent. Both conditions interfere with addressing the matter effectively.

Intimacy Without Sex

To break the cycle, I had to develop a better understanding and acceptance of my personal style. More importantly, I had to learn to communicate even the most awkward and uncomfortable parts to my partners. For example, I had to explain that, after a while, sex just doesn’t stay interesting for me, and I need to take a break. This causes friction because it sounds like rejection — but it isn’t.

Once I understood my needs, I grasped the importance of intimacy without the expectation of sex. This is a difficult concept for men to get sometimes. Society tells us that men are supposed to constantly want sex. We’re expected to always be ready, always initiate, and never have complex needs around sex. We must be confident sexual performers while simultaneously reading subtle cues – skills that autism makes particularly challenging.

Admitting that you have these struggles is like admitting you’re failing at being a man. It takes a lot to realize you can be intimate and close to someone without it leading to the bedroom.

We have to communicate these needs effectively and early. You cannot surprise a partner with this information months or years into a commitment. It means telling them that “certain smells can overwhelm me during intimate moments” or “I need breaks from sex periodically because my brain gets bored.” These conversations make us feel vulnerable because we are.

For their part, your partner should be willing to work with you. If they aren’t willing, or if your needs are fundamentally incompatible, then you need to find another partner.

If you are asexual, express that. If you are hypersexual, say so. If you have sensory issues that will impact sex, let that be known. Find people who accept and love you for exactly who you are.

Intimacy Issues and Neurodivergence: Next Steps

• Free Download: Manage ADHD’s Impact on Your Relationship
• Read: 9 Ways ADHD May Strain Relationships
• Watch: ADHD and Sex — Building Focus and Attention for Intimacy

Shane Thrapp is a certified ADHD coach.

ADDITUDE IS HUMAN
Artificial intelligence does not create or edit any written content published by ADDitude. Our editorial team is 100% human, and our mission is simple: listen to and serve our readers with hand-crafted, expert-informed resources. To support ADDitude, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our commitment possible. Thank you.

Does ADHD complicate your experience with sex and intimacy? For nearly 80 percent of ADDitude readers recently surveyed, the answer was a resounding yes. They cited racing thoughts, pressure to perform, sensory sensitivities, and other ADHD-fueled challenges.

ADDitude magazine asked two therapists to respond to readers’ problems with strategies for connection. Melissa Orlov is the author of The ADHD Effect on Marriage and The Couple’s Guide to Thriving with ADHD. Ari Tuckman, Psy.D., is the author of ADHD After Dark: Better Sex, Better Relationship.

Challenge: Trouble Focusing

“If I have too many things on my mind, such as the dishes needing to be washed and the floors needing to be cleaned, it is difficult to focus on feeling good and being present in the moment. Sex becomes another chore rather than a point of connection.” – Crystal, Kansas

Mellisa Orlov: This suggests you may hold some resentment about the number of chores on your list, and about a lack of connection with (or support from) your partner in this realm. If this feels true to you, start addressing that underlying issue before trying to fix your sex life. Explore whether tasks could be better distributed in your relationship. (Research ties “good enough” chore distribution to improved sex lives!)

Challenge: Getting in the Mood

“Sex is one of the times I have task paralysis – it’s really hard to warm up to it. I need time to process and relax after a day of work.” – an ADDitude reader

Ari Tuckman: To block out the stress of the day and connect with your partner, remind yourself that you’re allowed to take some time to enjoy yourself, even (and especially) when there is more to do. Talk with your partner about strategies for shifting your mood. Explore whether they may be inadvertently pushing you away from intimacy by pressuring you too soon after you get home or by not taking the initiative to make dinner, for example.

[Read: 3 Rules for a Lifetime of Great Sex]

Melissa Orlov: When you’re struggling to transition into feeling sexual, consider doing something to influence your mood. Music is good for easing into feeling sexual and relaxed. Adding rituals, such as showering together, reading sexual stories together, or adjusting the lights may also help set the stage for moving into sex.

Challenge: Vulnerability

“I have difficulty sharing my feelings in the moment. It’s hard to be honest about what I like or dislike. Connection and communication are constant struggles.” – Kristine, Texas

Ari Tuckman: I’m curious about how much of the holdup is about you not being fully aware of what you’re feeling in the moment and how much is your difficulty with sharing it. Effective communication begins with being clear about what we want to say and what we’re looking for from the other person. This can be difficult in the heat of the moment, but life and relationships tend to repeat patterns, so we have the time in between to reflect on what happened and what we might have preferred.

Once you have some clarity on what you like and dislike, and why, share that with your partner. Usually, these conversations about sex go better when you’re dressed and hanging out. Begin by thinking about what stops you from sharing. Is it something about you, like feeling embarrassed about what you like, feeling that you should like something you don’t, or believing that a good partner should always say yes? Or maybe it’s about how your partner responds to what you share, for example, by pressuring you to say yes, or by withdrawing if you aren’t interested.

[Read: Stop Walking On (or Throwing Down) Eggshells in Your Relationship]

Keep the focus on what you are seeking and what you are willing to give, rather than on criticizing past behavior. If the two of you can work on how to handle these sensitive negotiations, you will find that it helps you better resolve other issues, too.

Challenge: Mismatched Sex Drives

“I don’t want my partner to feel unwanted, but the reality is that I only want to be intimate one or two times a month and that doesn’t match my partner’s needs and expectations.” – Eleanor, Illinois

Melissa Orlov: Transparency is really important here. One of the first things to explore is whether you wait to become spontaneously excited or if you experience responsive desire at least some of the time. With responsive desire, you start out not so interested in the sexual experience, but as the mood is set and foreplay continues, you become desirous in response to your partner. If this sounds like you, discuss this with your partner and share what you need.

Sometimes, I try to move my clients’ idea of being intimate away from intercourse and toward a broader array of intimacies. Deep conversations, cuddling without sex, taking baths together, holding hands on a walk – these activities can provide a sense of intimacy for a couple without intercourse.

If your partner still feels disappointed by the frequency of your sexual encounters, and becoming closer in other ways doesn’t help, then the next step would be for them to explore masturbation and consider talking with a sex specialist.

ADHD and Intimacy Problems: Next Steps

• Take This Test: How Resilient Is Your Relationship?
• Read: The Happiness Formula for ADHD Relationships
• Read: Relationship Rescue for ADHD Couples

ADDITUDE IS HUMAN
Artificial intelligence does not create or edit any written content published by ADDitude. Our editorial team is 100% human, and our mission is simple: listen to and serve our readers with hand-crafted, expert-informed resources. To support ADDitude, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our commitment possible. Thank you.

The happiest ADHD marriages share three attributes: communication, compassion, and curiosity. These 3 Cs alone can’t guarantee life-long harmony – a heap of luck, circumstance, and chemistry help for sure. But together, they contribute to stronger, healthier relationships that endure, according to the conclusion drawn from a recent survey of 2,500 ADDitude readers.

The readers’ romantic relationships – all touched by ADHD – spanned from one year together all the way to a 60th anniversary, and from first to fourth marriages.

The ADHD Effect on Relationships

We won’t sugarcoat it: Across the board, ADHD strains relationships. On a scale of 1 (entirely negative) to 10 (entirely positive), the impact of ADHD was rated 4.6 by even the happiest couples – and 2.3 by the unhappiest ones. It’s more negative than positive, but it is not without bright spots.

Certain ADHD traits posed challenges regardless of a couple’s self-described bliss. The reported severity of those challenges, however, was markedly higher among separated or divorced couples, who also reported higher rates of psychological, sexual, and/or physical abuse, as well as infidelity.

The Most Serious Relationship Strains

The percentage of respondents who rated each of the following challenges (some ADHD-specific and others not) as a significant or major source of stress.

The Relationship Solutions That Stick

The percentage of respondents who rated each of the following interventions or strategies as very or extremely helpful in repairing and/or strengthening their relationship.

ADHD and Relationships: The Happiness Formula

Overall, ADHD marriages scored 3.6 out of 5 on a happiness scale – a solid C. Among respondents who said they had never considered divorce, however, this happiness rating jumped to 4.5. That’s a wonderful A-.

So, what are the secrets to happy relationships? It turns out there are five (aside from getting properly diagnosed and treated, that is).

1. Get Curious

More than half of the happiest respondents said their partner has gained an excellent or near-perfect understanding of ADHD; only 32 percent of overall survey respondents said this. In short, the spouses who made the effort to really “get” ADHD conferred enormous benefits to the relationships.

“Initially after my diagnosis, my husband was not interested at all in learning about ADHD. I finally sat him down and said, ‘You need to watch this webinar from ADDitude!’ So he did, and he became fascinated with the science and medical side of ADHD. This was a huge thing for me,” wrote one 67-year-old woman who rated her happiness 4 out of 5.

2. Provide Support

Almost 80 percent of the happiest respondents said their partner is very or extremely supportive of their diagnosis and treatment journey. The same was true for just half of respondents overall.

[Read: “We Each Trust That the Other Is Doing Their Best”]

“He encourages me to meet with my providers regularly,” wrote one 30-year-old woman who says she’s “extremely happy’ in her six-year-marriage. “He picks up my medications so I don’t forget. He is patient and kind through all my struggles. He does things to make my life easier, and he doesn’t get angry when I’m forgetful.”

3. Talk It Out

Half of couples who said they’d never considered divorce attribute their relationship strength and endurance to one thing: communication.

“Communication and understanding are key,” wrote one 42-year-old woman who’s been “extremely happily” married for 22 years. “No blaming, just working out how you can solve situations… I would recommend going to couples counseling to learn how much to talk to each other, even if you are not going through a bad patch.

[Read: What We Wish Our Partners Understood About ADHD]

4. Practice Patience

“Being ready to accept your partner as they are (flaws and all) will let you have a deeper relationship,” wrote one 38-year-old woman who was diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety, and depression, and who has been with her partner for 19 years. “My partner’s acceptance of my imperfections helped me let go of my own frustrations with ADHD, which allowed our marriage to thrive in every area.

“His patience built the foundation of our marriage and allowed us to have tough conversations, because any disagreement was always addressed with a calm sense of love and concern.”

5. Forgive Freely

“Strive for clarity and honesty, coupled with compassion and mutual respect,” wrote a 38-year-old woman with ADHD who’s been married for four years. “Certain ADHD traits posed challenges regardless of a couple’s self-described marital bliss. Forgive each other and yourselves. Grow together because of it!”

ADHD and Relationships: Next Steps

• Free Download: Manage ADHD’s Impact on Your Relationship
• Take Our Quiz: How Resilient Is Your Relationship? A Quiz for ADHD Couples
• Read: Relationship Rescue for ADHD Couples

Anni Layne Rodgers is the General Manager of ADDitude.

ADDITUDE IS HUMAN
Artificial intelligence does not write or edit any content published by ADDitude. Our team is 100% human, and our mission is simple: listen to and serve our readers with hand-crafted, expert-informed resources. To support ADDitude, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our commitment possible. Thank you.

Q: I am a people-pleaser who averts all conflict. I make sure my husband gets what he wants before he even has a chance to ask for it. How can I exit this destructive loop?

Living with a compulsive need to please others and avoid conflict can be emotionally exhausting. To achieve a healthier balance in your relationship, follow these seven steps.

7 Steps to Stop People Pleasing

1. Identify Root Causes

People-pleasing behavior often stems from fear of rejection, low self-esteem, or past experiences in which you felt emotional safety hinged on pleasing others. Perhaps you had to fulfill your parents’ demands, no matter how unhealthy, or risk harsh punishment and emotional upheaval. Or maybe you have experienced rejection by your parents, peers, or their adults whose impossible standards you felt you couldn’t reach. Meeting with a therapist can help you explore and understand the root causes of your people-pleasing behaviors and develop solutions for overcoming them.

[Read: “It’s Not People-Pleasing. It’s Self-Abandonment.”]

2. Set Boundaries

Self-respect grows as you practice setting healthy boundaries and prioritizing self-care. This doesn’t mean you care less about your family; it means you care enough about yourself to make sure your needs are being met. Start with minor requests, learn to say no, and express your desires.

3. Speak Up

Have an honest conversation with your husband and family about how you feel. Express your desire to change. A supportive partner will understand and help you with this transition. Effective communication can also prevent misunderstandings and resentment from building up.

4. Challenge Negative Thoughts

Compulsive people-pleasers often harbor negative thoughts and self-criticism. Ask yourself if your fears are based on proven facts or speculation. Cognitive behavioral techniques can be particularly helpful in reframing negative thinking patterns.

[Read: How CBT Dismantles ADHD Negativity – Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Overview]

5. Develop Assertiveness Skills

Being assertive means expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs directly and respectfully. This can be challenging if you’re used to avoiding conflict, but there are many books, workshops, and therapies to help you build these skills. Participating in role-playing scenarios with a therapist or trusted friend can also help.

6. Practice Self-Compassion

Be kind to yourself as you work through these changes. It’s normal to make mistakes and revert to old patterns occasionally. Instead of beating yourself up, acknowledge your progress and remind yourself that change takes time.

7. Prioritize Mutual Respect

Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and understanding. When you and your husband contribute equally to the relationship, this creates a more satisfying partnership and reduces your pressure to constantly please.

Breaking free from the cycle of people-pleasing and avoiding conflict is not easy, but with patience, self-awareness, and support, it can be done.

Stop People Pleasing & Set Boundaries: Next Steps

• Read: Stop Prioritizing Everyone Else
• Self Test: How Resilient Is Your Relationship? A Quiz for ADHD Couples
• Free Download: Friendship Guide for Adults

Stephanie Sarkis, Ph.D., is the author of Healing from Toxic Relationships: 10 Essential Steps to Recover from Gaslighting, Narcissism, and Emotional Abuse.

ADDITUDE IS HUMAN
Artificial intelligence does not write or edit any content published by ADDitude. Our team is 100% human, and our mission is simple: listen to and serve our readers with hand-crafted, expert-informed resources. To support ADDitude, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our commitment possible. Thank you.

On the podcast today we have Zach Stepek.

Zach is what you might call a ‘unicorn’ in the tech world, having held roles in design, development, and much more. His experience spans everything from ColdFusion and Flash, to JavaScript, WordPress, and WooCommerce. He’s worked with brands like IBM and MTV, in varied industries from medical records to e-commerce, and has spoken at WordCamps, WooConf, and contributed to the WordPress community through both agencies and product companies.

You might know about WordPress, agencies, product companies, and hosting, but might not have thought about how partnerships actually work in this ecosystem, or why they matter right now. Zach is here to explain just that.

He starts off by sharing his journey into WordPress, his early challenges, and how an unexpected ‘viral’ moment led him deeper into the ecosystem. He describes the three interconnected pillars of WordPress success: agencies (or individuals), product companies (think plugins, themes), and hosting / infrastructure, and how each depends on the other to thrive.

We discuss the current state of partnerships, how companies collaborate, why trust and values-driven approaches are essential, and why the rapid rise of ROI-driven, transactional thinking is at odds with WordPress’ open source roots. Zach explores the perils of short-term wins and the value of nurturing long-term, mutually beneficial relationships, especially as economic uncertainty and changes in the broader world are beginning to reshape how companies interact.

Then we talk about the challenges faced by hosting companies, the role of product companies in innovation, and how agencies often bridge these worlds. Zach makes the case for cultivating relationship equity, not just revenue, and how a rising tide can lift all boats if the community keeps its collective focus.

Towards the end we discuss how the landscape has changed, why community contributions matter more than ever, and what the future might hold as WordPress partnerships reach an inflection point.

If you’re curious about how these invisible partnership threads bind the WordPress ecosystem together, and how true partnership drives success, this episode is for you.

Useful links

ElasticPress

Theme Switcher Pro

Mighty Swarm

zachstepek.com

Zach on X

Zach on LinkedIn

Today is my 40th birthday.

When I turned 30 a decade ago, I wrote an article sharing life lessons to survive your 20s and crowd-sourced advice on how to excel in your 30s. And apparently you guys loved it.

So, here’s more of the good stuff: 40 life lessons I now know at 40 that I wish I knew at 20.

Dig in.

1. Your relationship with others is a direct reflection of your relationship with yourself

If you treat yourself poorly, then you will also unconsciously seek out and tolerate others who treat you poorly.

If you treat yourself with dignity and respect, then you will only tolerate others who treat you with dignity and respect.

Get right with yourself, get right with the world.

2. The only way to feel better about yourself is to do things worth feeling good about

Respect is earned, not given.

3. The only failure is not trying

The only rejection is not asking. The only mistake is not risking anything.

Success and failure are fuzzy concepts that only exist in your mind before you do something. Not after.

After the fact, everything will be a mixture of both. The only real failure is doing nothing.

4. No one is coming to save you

No single thing will solve all your problems. No goal, no achievement, no relationship.

No one will ever fix you. You will always feel mildly inadequate and somewhat dissatisfied with your life.

Nothing is wrong with you for feeling this way.

On the contrary, it might be the most normal thing about you.

5. Be the partner you want to have

If you want a healthy and fit partner, then be healthy and fit yourself. If you want a loyal and trustworthy partner, then be loyal and trustworthy yourself.

To put it another way, would you date you?

If not, then that’s a fucking problem.

6. The most valuable things in life compound over a long period of time

I’m talking about health, wealth, knowledge, confidence, relationships.

These things will frustrate you when you’re young because they are slow.

But if you start building them from a young age and you don’t stop, by the time you’re in your 30s and 40s you will have an incredible life.

7. The most sexy and exciting things in life are the opposite

These things start out extremely fun, but then have intense diminishing returns.

When you’re young, these things distract you and occupy a lot of your time and attention. I’m talking about social media, casual sex, drugs and alcohol, video games, gambling, vacations, and blowjobs.

The first time is incredible. The second time is almost as good. But then it’s all downhill from there.

Be sure to experience all of these things for a little bit, but then quickly move on.

Well, except the blowjobs. Don’t move on from the blowjobs.

8. If you’re not turning down things that excite you, then you’re not focused enough on what matters

Our world is overflowing with stimulation and opportunity.

If you aren’t struggling to turn down options, then you haven’t correctly prioritized what matters to you.

9. Taking responsibility for all of your problems alleviates more suffering than it creates

Most people assume that if you take responsibility for all the pain in your life, then you will just feel worse about it.

But the opposite is actually true. The more responsibility you take, the more you empower yourself to actually do something about that pain.

That’s because…

10. You give power to who you blame

When you blame someone else for your problems, you’re giving them power over you. You’re allowing them to define and dictate your happiness and well-being.

This is fucking stupid, so don’t do it.

It’s not worth it.

11. If you have to tell someone you’re that, then you’re not that

A rich man doesn’t feel the need to show people he’s rich.

A smart man doesn’t feel the need to tell people he’s smart.

A confident person doesn’t have to show people he’s confident. He just is.

Don’t say it. Be it.

12. Motivation is not the cause of action, but the effect

If you want to feel motivated to do something, take the smallest action towards doing it.

Then let the momentum carry you forward.

13. Love is not the cause of commitment, but the effect

You don’t wait until you have a perfect relationship to commit to a person.

You commit to the person in order to create the perfect relationship.

14. Passion is not the cause of good work, but the effect

You don’t wait until you find something you love doing.

You learn to do something well, and the process of developing competency and agency then causes you to become passionate about it.

15. The person you marry is the person you fight with

The house you buy is the house you repair. The dream job you take is the job you stress over.

Everything comes with an inherent sacrifice. Whatever makes us feel good will inevitably also make us feel bad.

16. A happy life is not a life without stress. It’s a life of meaningful stress

Nuff said.

17. Don’t view exercise as an exchange for something

You don’t work out to lose a few pounds or earn that hamburger or an ice cream. With this mindset, you will lose motivation quickly and quit.

Instead, view exercise as an investment. For every unit of energy you put in, you will receive multiple units of energy back.

The catch is that these units of energy you get back will be spread out over weeks, months, and years.

This is why exercising hardcore occasionally is far inferior to exercising a little bit every day.

18. Trust people

Most people are good. And while you might get hurt or embarrassed sometimes, the alternative is just way worse.

19. There’s no such thing as a life without problems

Warren Buffett has money problems. A homeless guy has money problems.

Buffett’s money problems are way more desirable than the homeless guy’s. But problems don’t just disappear, they get exchanged and upgraded for better problems as you grow and evolve.

The solution to today’s problem will be the seed of tomorrow’s.

Set your expectations accordingly.

20. Growth is rarely accompanied by joy and celebration

On the contrary, growth is usually painful to some degree.

That’s because growth requires loss—a loss of your old values, your old behaviors, your old loves, your old identity.

Change always has a component of grief to it, so be sure to let yourself grieve.

21. Fuck being normal

Statistically speaking, a normal person is physically unhealthy, emotionally anxious and depressed, socially lonely, and financially in debt.

So yeah, fuck being normal.

22. If you can’t say no, then your yeses mean nothing

We are defined by what we give up, what we sacrifice, and what we reject.

If you sacrifice nothing and reject nothing, then you have no identity. You are merely a reflection of the preferences and demands of the people around you.

In other words, if you don’t decide who you are, other people will decide for you.

23. Be careful how you define yourself

Your identity is a self-constructed mental prison, confining you to a life of desperately seeking and finding things to validate whatever you’ve chosen to become.

Define yourself as loosely and ambiguously as possible. You will feel less defensive towards the world and be willing to change when it’s necessary.

24. Don’t make assumptions about people

You have no fucking idea what they’ve been through.

Don’t make assumptions about yourself either. Chances are you have no idea what you’re talking about.

The last person we’re objective about is ourselves.

25. No one thinks about you as much as you think about yourself

Whatever you’re insecure about, chances are 99% of people around you haven’t even noticed it.

This is because everybody else is too busy thinking about themselves.

This may strike you as a little bit depressing, but it’s actually liberating. It means that you are judged far less than you think.

26. Confidence does not come from an expectation of success. It comes from a comfort with failure

There’s a word for someone who feels a need to succeed in everything: a fucking narcissist.

Don’t be a narcissist. Embrace your flaws. Embrace failure.

27. Develop a willingness to be disliked

This will grant you the freedom to do what needs to be done, even if it’s unpopular.

28. You cannot be a life-changing presence to some people without also being a complete fucking joke to others

Part of the price of having impact is some hate. And usually that hate is proportional to the impact.

29. Floss and wear sunscreen every day

Look, I know I sound like your mom right now, but trust me, in 20 years you’re going to be thanking me.

30. Extraordinary results come from repeating ordinary actions over an inordinate amount of time

Any overnight success is secretly the result of quietly working in obscurity for years, if not decades.

31. Choosing a partner is not about romance

You’re also choosing a confidant, counselor, career advisor, therapist, investor, teacher, travel buddy, roommate, best friend, business partner.

And no, I’m not saying you should make your partner be all these things.

I’m saying whether you want to or not, your partner is going to become all of these things. That’s what a relationship is.

So choose fucking wisely.

32. Don’t overestimate romantic love

Love doesn’t fix relationship problems. It doesn’t make trust issues go away.

The truth is, love can harm as much as it heals. It’s an amplifier. It makes a good relationship better and a bad relationship much worse.

Don’t get me wrong, love is great. Love is beautiful when it works.

But to make a healthy relationship, by itself love is not enough.

33. Trust is the currency of all relationships

Every good relationship is built off the back of years of trust.

Every failed relationship fails because of broken trust.

Therefore, honesty and integrity are the backbones of a life of healthy relationships and therefore happiness.

Dishonesty and a lack of integrity might be a shortcut to some short-term gains, but you’re completely fucking yourself in the long run, so fucking stop it.

Speaking of which…

34. If all of your relationships have the same problem…

Newsflash: you’re the fucking problem.

35. There’s no such thing as a bad emotion, only a bad response to an emotion

Every emotion can be used constructively or destructively.

One of the most useful things you can ever learn in your life is to figure out how to channel your negative emotions constructively.

36. Go to bed and wake up early

My whole life, I always promised myself I would never be that guy who went to bed at 9PM on a Friday and got up at 5AM to hit the fucking gym.

But kids, I hate to tell you, mornings are the real shit. Sorry.

37. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone, including yourself

Let me say that again: you don’t have to prove anything to anyone, including yourself.

38. Life advice is like clothing

Try it on. And if it doesn’t fit, discard it and try something else.

Also: like clothing, bad advice will be useless within a few weeks, but good advice will last you a lifetime.

39. Nothing meaningful in life is easy, nothing easy in life is meaningful

We think we’d like to have everything handed to us on a silver platter. But the truth is that we don’t appreciate or enjoy things that we don’t struggle for.

So stop avoiding the difficult things in your life and instead find the difficult things you enjoy.

And finally…

40. It’s never too late to change

A friend of mine once told me a story about his grandmother. He said that when her husband died, she was 62 and for the first time in her life, she began to take piano lessons.

For weeks, she practiced all day, every day.

At first, the family thought it was just a phase, a way for her to process her grief. But months went by and she continued to play every day.

People started to wonder if she was crazy or something was wrong with her. They told her to give it up, face reality. But she kept going.

By the time she was in her 90s, she’d been playing piano every day for over 30 years, longer than most professional musicians have been alive. She had mastered all of the classics—Mozart, Beethoven, Bach, Vivaldi.

Everyone who heard her play swore that she must have been a concert pianist in her youth. No one believed her when she said that she took her first lesson in her 60s.

I love this story because it shows that even at an impractical old age, you still have more time left to learn something than most professionals at that thing have even been alive.

I didn’t start writing until I was 27. I didn’t start my YouTube channel until I was 36.

In every phase of my life, I’ve started five to ten years later than most people. Yet it didn’t matter.

I get emails all the time from people asking me, hey, I’m 20 or 40 or 60 or 80, is it too late? Can I change? Is there time?

The answer is it’s never too late. There’s always time.

The only question is how long we’re going to sit here and make excuses and pretend there’s not.

Ah, narcissists. Checking themselves out in every reflective surface they walk by. Yammering on about that one time they won the third-grade spelling bee. Thinking they’re God’s gift to the universe—after all, why else would He have put them right in the middle of it?

But here’s the thing: Narcissism is way more complex and, quite frankly, way more annoying than that.

Yes, it’s an inflated sense of self-importance and a hankering for constant admiration, combined with a devastating lack of empathy for others. It’s the “Me, Myself and I” syndrome, where the world must revolve around a single person, and everyone else is just an extra in the movie of their life.

But before you start pointing fingers at your ex or that obnoxious coworker, remember: We’ve all got a smidgeon of narcissism in us. It’s just that some people got an extra dollop. Or five.

So let’s dive headfirst into this bottomless pit of ego and self-absorption, cutting through the BS, and maybe, just maybe, we’ll come out on the other side understanding what makes these narcissists tick.

And who knows, we might even figure out how to deal with them without losing our sanity.

Let’s unpack this sweaty bag of asses together.

What Is Narcissism?

First, let’s clarify what narcissism actually is.

Simply put, narcissism is a chronic state of entitlement.

A narcissist might believe they are exceptionally extraordinary or exceptionally deprived. In either case, the rules that apply to everyone else don’t apply to them. The narcissist owes the world nothing, while the world owes them everything.

As with most things in life, narcissism comes in varying degrees. No one is 0% or 100% narcissistic. Everyone falls along a spectrum. We all exhibit a few narcissistic traits—that is, a certain amount of entitlement—on our worst days.

But, at the extreme end, a person might be suffering from a full-blown personality disorder.¹ And even those who are clinically diagnosed will fall along a spectrum from high-functioning individuals to complete neurotic messes.²

We all engage in at least some narcissistic behaviors at some point or another. The problem arises when narcissism becomes our default mode and we don’t realize we’re behaving like a narcissist.

The Two Types of Narcissism

In my book, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, I talk about two types of entitlement, which are really two types of narcissism.

Let’s pick apart each one.

The Grandiose Narcissist

The “grandiose narcissist” is the type we mostly think of when we say that someone is a narcissist. They’re the thin-skinned, attention-seeking, arrogant asshats who are oblivious to the needs of others and will exploit anything and anyone.³

Now, we all know someone who thinks a little too highly of themselves, craves attention and admiration a little too much. They can’t take criticism, they blame everyone else when things go wrong, and they expect to get extra special treatment because they’re above the plebes and schlubs and “normal people” who cower beneath them.

But these kinds of narcissists also often have a charm about them, at least at first. Their outward self-confidence can be refreshing to be around, especially if you aren’t a person who feels a ton of self-confidence. But their bullshit quickly sours.

The blaming, the gaslighting, the manipulation, the way they constantly turn everything back onto themselves.

It gets exhausting.

The Vulnerable Narcissist

Let me paint a picture of someone else we all know too.

This is the person who’s much more reserved and doesn’t really seek out attention in all those loud and obnoxious ways. They can be shy at times, and they might even put themselves down a little too much.

Like a grandiose narcissist, they are hyper-sensitive and need constant reassurance. But unlike a grandiose narcissist, they don’t believe they are better than everyone else. In fact, they believe the opposite—they believe they are uniquely victimized or oppressed by everyone else.

Vulnerable narcissism is a more subtle form of narcissism. But it’s still narcissism. The difference is that a grandiose narcissist thinks they’re uniquely superior, while the vulnerable narcissist thinks they’re uniquely inferior.

A grandiose narcissist believes they are uniquely privileged while a vulnerable narcissist believes they are uniquely under-privileged. A grandiose narcissist takes pride in taking advantage of others while a vulnerable narcissist takes pride in being taken advantage of by others.

Like the grandiose narcissist, the vulnerable narcissist thinks they deserve special treatment because of their uniqueness.

These are the self-labeled, perpetual victims. They may be shy and outwardly self-effacing. But underneath that cowering exterior is a sense of grandiosity.⁴ They’ll get offended by the smallest slights and anything and everything distresses them.

Though grandiose and vulnerable narcissists are different in important ways, both are extraordinarily self-absorbed⁵ and have a fragile sense of self they have to maintain by viewing themselves as exceptional—again, either exceptionally extraordinary or exceptionally deficient.

They deny any realities that do not support their grandiose self-perception and as a result tend to engage only in superficial relationships or withdraw from social situations altogether.⁶

At the heart of it, both kinds of narcissists are overly self-entitled individuals who believe they’re special and that different rules in life apply to them.

Where Does Narcissism Come From?

Narcissism is a pretty complex personality trait, and psychologists haven’t completely untangled how it comes about, but they have found some clues.

For one, certain approaches to parenting appear to influence the development of narcissism.

There is some evidence to suggest that children are at a higher risk of developing narcissistic qualities if they grow up with parents who are authoritarian, highly indulgent, or overly neglectful of their children’s emotions.

Let’s take these one at a time:

1. Authoritarian Parenting

These parents try to control their children’s behavior to an unhealthy degree. They demand strict obedience to rules, while providing little in the way of warmth, support, or open communication.

Authoritarian parents may base their child’s worth on accomplishments and conformity to rules, which can lead children to develop an inflated sense of self-importance to cope with this pressure. They may also develop a deep-seated sense of entitlement as a defense mechanism against feeling unloved or not good enough.

2. Indulgent Parenting

On the opposite end of the spectrum, children who are overly validated by gushing parents also tend to end up as narcissists.⁷

Not surprisingly, if a child constantly hears how “special” and “wonderful” and “beautiful” they are (spoiler: you’re not special), they end up internalizing their parents’ inflated views of them and grow up to believe they’re entitled to extra privileges in life.

3. Neglectful Parenting

Also known as uninvolved parenting, this style is characterized by low levels of both warmth and control.

Neglectful parents may be unresponsive to their children’s needs and may not provide necessary guidance or feedback. They often fail to validate their children’s emotions or thoughts.

In response, children may develop narcissistic traits as a coping mechanism, using an inflated sense of self-importance to compensate for feelings of neglect and unworthiness.⁸

On the surface, these parenting styles seem wildly different, so how could they all contribute to developing narcissism?

Well, the one thing they all have in common is that they don’t help the child to fully express a realistic, independent identity.

Authoritarian parents are overly controlling and therefore don’t let their children find their own way in life. This makes them seek more and more outside validation in order to feel good about themselves, which could turn into narcissism.

Indulgent parents, on the other hand, provide too few boundaries for their children, and instead contribute to an inflated sense of self that isn’t grounded in reality.

And neglectful parents provide little to no validation for their children’s emotional needs, so they might grow up narcissistic to overcompensate for feelings of shame and inadequacy. Shame, in fact, plays a crucial role in people who develop vulnerable narcissism.

It’s Not All Your Parents’ Fault

Now, before you go off and start hating your parents (or hating them more than you already do…), it’s important to understand that parenting is just one factor that might contribute to narcissism.

Research into the origins of narcissism is still in its early stages. We don’t really know how genetics, peer groups, trauma, and many, many other factors might contribute.

And so, while I think parenting is important, I’m not one to blame parents for too much.

In fact, a balance between each of the above parenting styles appears to be the antidote to raising narcissistic kids. Namely, children with parents who encourage their kids, show warmth towards them, set strong boundaries, and also have high standards for them tend to turn out pretty well adjusted.

So it seems that our parents just did the best they could, but they might have focused a little too much on one style over others.

My point is: don’t blame parents for everything. Most are just doing the best they can.

The Problem With Narcissism

The past decade or two has seen a very public debate about the possibility of a narcissism “epidemic” in our current culture, especially among young people.⁹

The reality is that every culture in recorded history has had to deal with narcissism and the myriad problems associated with it. At the extreme end, narcissism has been linked to substance abuse¹⁰ and a wide range of personality disorders, from bipolar to borderline and passive-aggressive disorders.¹¹

Grandiose narcissism tends to co-occur with antisocial traits and paranoia, while vulnerable narcissism tends to be accompanied by depression, anxiety, and suicidal tendencies.¹²

People with grandiose narcissistic traits tend to crave power¹³ and those who emerge as leaders can create a pretty toxic environment for the poor souls they reign over.¹⁴

And though it’s often grandiose narcissists who we see as exploitative, vulnerable narcissists are also not very good at empathizing with others and can be equally dickish.¹⁵ Worse, narcissism has been consistently linked with violence.¹⁶

Researchers bicker over whether narcissism is increasing in prevalence,¹⁷ but I’d argue this is merely semantics. Narcissism—both as a personality trait and a mental disorder—is as serious a problem today as it was in 1978 or ancient Greece, for that matter.

How to Deal With Narcissistic People

The first rule of dealing with narcissistic people is: don’t.

If you can avoid having to interact with a narcissist, then don’t interact with them. Don’t try to convince them, persuade them, change them, fix them, or change their mind. It’s probably impossible and even if it’s not, it’s definitely not worth it.

That being said, sometimes you have to deal with a narcissistic person and if you’re going to have to deal with them, then it’s important to understand how to go about it.

Obviously, how you deal with narcissists will vary depending on the context in which you interact with them; e.g., how you handle a narcissistic boss will be different from how you handle your narcissistic boyfriend and parents. Even in the same context, each individual is different, so obviously, the approach here varies.

But basically, the key to handling narcissistic people is boundaries.

Decide how much exposure you are willing to have to them, and decide to what extent you’re willing to interact with them. Decide beforehand what you’re willing to do and not do with them, what you’re willing and not willing to talk about with them, and what you’re willing and not willing to share with them. Then stick to it.

Narcissists have got nothing on you if you have and enforce boundaries in your life, be it with your colleagues, your friends, your partner, or even your family.

Unfortunately, most of us are pretty bad at maintaining healthy boundaries and as a result get embroiled in drama and end up doing things we don’t really want to do.

Having healthy boundaries means taking responsibility for your own actions and emotions—and NOT taking responsibility for the actions or emotions of others.

It’s when your narcissistic colleague tries to take credit for your work and you refuse and proudly stake your claim.

It’s when your narcissistic uncle asks to borrow money because something bad always happens to him and oh he’s so unlucky and you tell him a firm “no.”

It’s when your narcissistic partner tries to bully you into feeling guilty that you stayed late at work that one time and you call them out on their bullshit.

If you can’t avoid having narcissists in your life, surround yourself with boundaries. Draw lines in the sand and enforce them. If you want to deep dive into how, I’ve got just the article for you.

How to Deal With Your Own Narcissism

Plot twist: but what if you’re the narcissist? Not sure? Ask yourself the following questions:

1. Do you feel that people often don’t (or can’t) understand you or your problems?
2. Do you feel that there are many barriers in your life which you have no control over?
3. Do you often ask for help from others and/or feel like few people are willing to help you?
4. Do you feel like you often don’t receive the attention or appreciation that you deserve?
5. Do people often complain that you don’t listen to them, when in fact, you feel like they don’t listen to you?
6. Do you feel like most other people have lives that are much easier than yours?
7. Do you fight with close friends and loved ones often?
8. If so, is it usually their fault?
9. Do people suddenly drop contact with you with no explanation and refuse to communicate with you again?
10. Do you often feel helpless, like you have little opportunity to improve your life?

If you answered “yes” to most of the above, then you might actually be the problem.

If you recognize and accept you have narcissistic traits, congratulations: you’ve made it further than most narcissistic people ever will.

Clinical narcissism is notoriously difficult to treat. There is no one proven therapy, and the many recommended therapies commonly practiced all require long-term effort and engagement.¹⁸ In short: seek professional help and buckle down for the long haul.

If you’re simply exhibiting traits of narcissism some of the time, I’ve got some tips—or rather, some life-altering truths—to help reduce your narcissistic tendencies.

Narcissism boils down to believing you’re special and entitled to be treated differently than others. The antidote—and this is easier said than done—is simply to accept that you’re not special.

In fact, you’re average at almost everything, most of the time. And that’s okay. You don’t need to be special or great at something to be a worthy person or live a meaningful life.

Instead of weaving elaborate narratives to convince yourself of your specialness, you’ll be much better off avoiding labeling yourself anything and just living.

You don’t know if you’re great or not, and that’s fine. You’ll do your best anyway. You don’t know if you’re a victim or not. That’s fine. You’ll get better and feel healthy again anyway. You don’t know if you deserve good or bad treatment and that’s fine. You’ll take responsibility for your life anyway.

Find satisfaction in the simple, everyday pleasures of life.

Every day when you wake up, rejoice that you’re still alive. Marvel at the wonders of toothpaste when you brush your teeth every morning. See beauty in how the light reflects off the surface of passing cars. Be curious about other people.

You’re not “destined” for greatness. You’re not destined for anything.

Stop trying so hard to prove you’re better than everyone else. Stop whining about how unfair the world has been to you.

Take a deep breath and get on with your day.

Just like everybody else.

So you’ve thrown yourself into the modern dating pool, eh? You brave, brave soul.

Look, I know meeting new people, going on dates, figuring out if you even like the person sitting across from you—it can all be confusing, frustrating, and just exhausting at times. Not to mention all that dating advice constantly dished out by caring friends and meddling strangers, advice that promises everlasting love but delivers only frustration.

But before you start to despair, I want to challenge you to open up your mind a little.

Instead of trying to figure out all the things you need to do or say to go on more dates, I want you to start thinking about the kind of person you want to be to attract the right people into your life.

It’s not about saying the right lines or sending that perfect text at the perfect time or anything like that.

It’s about figuring out who you are, then finding ways to express that so that you invite the right people into your life first.

Let’s dive in.

How to Make Yourself More Attractive

A lot of dating advice out there tells you how to be more attractive by making yourself look a certain way or talk a certain way or act a certain way.

But none of these things matter if you don’t have the emotional foundation for a healthy, attractive personality and lifestyle.

So, here’s how to actually make yourself more attractive.

Drop the Needy Behavior

Neediness is the root of all unattractive behavior.

Neediness is when you prioritize what others think of you over what you think of yourself.

It all comes down to your intentions.

In whatever you do, are you trying to impress others and get them to like you because you value their opinion of yourself more than your own?

Or are you genuinely expressing yourself in an attempt to connect with someone else, and they can take it or leave it?

This is why dating advice that focuses on what to say or do or how to act or whatever completely misses the point. It doesn’t matter what you say if you’re being needy and trying to get someone else to like you or be impressed with you or whatever.

Get Your Shit Together

Alright, time for some tough love here: No one wants to date a project.

I’m not saying you have to be perfect in every area of your life. But if you’ve got emotional problems or health problems or money problems or work problems or major family problems—you’re far better off getting those areas handled first before you drag someone else into it too.

Some big areas to focus on, if you don’t already:

• Your physical health. Eat right. Move your body a little more. And get some goddamn sleep already.
• Your mental health. Get the stress in your life under control. Find ways to get out into nature more. See a therapist if you have lingering emotional issues you can’t seem to figure out.
• Your finances. Get your financial house in order. Build some savings. Pay down debt. Learn the basics about investing.
• Your job. No one likes to hear someone constantly complain about their job. If you hate your job, start looking for a new one.

A lot of these things won’t directly help you date more people, but they are often roadblocks to developing healthy connections and relationships with many people.

So get them taken care of.

How to Date the Right People

Dating apps, meet-up groups, local clubs and organizations, dance classes, yoga classes, pottery classes, all the classes… and on and on and on.

Any and all of these are great ways to meet people, but I think a lot of people expect these things to be some kind of magic bullet. The truth is, you still have to put in the work to find the right people no matter how or where you’re meeting them.

However you choose to go about meeting new people, here are a couple of things to keep in mind.

Demographics

In my book on dating and attraction, Models, I have a whole chapter dedicated to finding highly compatible people to date through leveraging “demographics.”

The concept of demographics in the context of dating is simple: like attracts like—and so you attract what you are.

This includes things like your lifestyle, your beliefs about other people/the world, your values, and yes, even things like your age, money, and looks.

(Quick side note: Age, money, and looks do matter, but how much they matter is different for different people. Check out Chapter 7 of my book Models for more on this.)

Basically, demographics in this context largely determines the type of people you’ll end up dating.

For example, if you’re an intellectual introvert deeply interested in abstract concepts and you’re looking for a companion with similar values, you probably aren’t going to have much luck dating club-hopping party animals who haven’t opened a book since high school.

Chemistry and Compatibility in Dating

I’ve written more extensively about chemistry and compatibility in dating and relationships, but briefly:

• Chemistry is the emotional connection present when two people are together. A high degree of chemistry brings out the warm, fuzzy emotions in each person. Two people who lack chemistry, on the other hand, won’t feel that “spark” between them.
• Compatibility is the natural alignment of lifestyle choices and values of two people. This can include anything from how late you like to stay up at night to your political and religious views.

Relationships that have both chemistry and compatibility are the healthiest and most fulfilling.

If you just have chemistry without much compatibility, well, that usually turns into a rollercoaster of a toxic relationship.

If you just have compatibility without much chemistry, the relationship gets boring fast.

There are a few things you can do to figure out what’s the right type of person for you:

• Learn about things like your attachment style and your emotional needs. This can give you a better idea of what kind of people are best for you.
• Know what a healthy relationship looks like so you know what you’re aiming for.
• Get a clear idea of your own personal values and how important each is to you when deciding who to date.

Know Your Boundaries—and Stick to Them

Boundaries are like the invisible walls that protect our emotional wellbeing. They help us define what we’re comfortable with, what we’re not, and what we need from our partner in order to feel safe and loved.

Many of us, however, struggle with setting and enforcing boundaries.

We fear rejection or conflict, or simply lack the communication skills to express our needs effectively. However, neglecting to establish clear boundaries can lead to all sorts of problems, including resentment, anxiety, and even abuse.

Setting healthy boundaries means:

• Taking responsibility for your own actions and emotions. And not taking responsibility for the other person’s actions and emotions—or expecting them to take responsibility for your actions and emotions.
• Recognizing and responding to red flags. If you’re dating someone who ignores your needs, belittles your feelings, or violates your boundaries, take action. At the very least, that means having a blunt conversation about their behavior. If nothing changes, it’s best to just walk away at that point.

Of course, people are people and we can’t expect to align on everything 100% of the time. Establishing healthy boundaries is more about figuring out what you will and will not compromise on.

But if someone is trampling all over your boundaries and you’ve only started dating recently, well, do you really think it’s going to get any better with time?

Remember, your emotional wellbeing is your top priority, and it’s not worth sacrificing for the sake of someone who doesn’t respect you.

By being clear and assertive about your boundaries, you’ll attract partners who share your values and priorities, and build a relationship that’s both fulfilling and sustainable.

Good luck out there.

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