I don't truly want to say a bad word about Vampire Survivors. I've adored the many hours I've spent in its endearingly slapdash dungeons. It's also responsible for spawning a thousand imitators, many of which I have also poured hours of my life into playing. But, for all of its joys and successes, I can't defend its lack of railguns.

I don't know what Poncle were thinking when they let you loose on a world filled with monsters and ghouls and didn't arm you with an electromagnetic gun that launches projectiles at more than 3 km/s.

It may not be a stake doused in holy water, but I reckon the railgun in Seven Suns Of Orion would do just as good of a job against Dracula.

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After a 90-second electrical fault left me stuck for two hours at Wilmslow station this weekend, I could be fooled into thinking trains are delicate fickle things. However, PROFITS 2167: Planetary Resource Optimization & Freight Infrastructure Technician Simulator is here to set me straight. The game puts you in the driver's seat on a train rattling along the tracks of a deep space mining operation. A mining operation under assault from thousands of space bugs.

Avanti West Coast might struggle on hot days (and cold days, and wet days, and windy days…), but when you're behind the wheel of Profits 2167's locomotive, you'll have to plough straight through the swarming insect masses.

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Yet again, friends, I am escaping to the one place that hasn't been corrupted by capitalism. They have need of journalists up there, no matter what that dafty Musk might prefer. Or so I understand from Space News Network - a No Man's Sky-esque exploration game in which you play a starpilot reporter, rocketing between strange new worlds in search of the next scoop. You'll brave pirate blockades, descend through the atmosphere and tangle with unidentified fauna, all in the name of such Pulitzer Prize-baiting bulletins as "Cisiom: it's glowy, it's blue. Is it safe to touch?"

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