From the time I was in my 20s, my mother and I battled over her clutter. My mom was 77 years old when I realized, after listening to a podcast, that she didn’t have a hoarding disorder; she had undiagnosed ADHD that had been hiding in plain sight her entire life.

Suddenly, decades of accumulation, unfinished projects, and piles of clutter that crowded our home had an explanation. My mother didn’t see clutter when she looked at her stacks of craft supplies; she saw unrealized creative dreams. When she held onto magazines, it wasn’t hoarding disorder; it was her brain’s way of preserving information she thought she’d need someday. My understanding of this transformed everything.

How to Let Go

In my work as the founder of Silver Linings Transitions, a senior move-management and home-organizing company, I regularly ask seniors about their downsizing plans. Most say that their families don’t want their things, and they don’t want to tackle the overwhelming task of decluttering themselves. I’ve seen three scenarios play out: They hire a dump truck, save everything, or prepare for a family war.

[Free Self-Test: Could You Have Hoarding Disorder?]

When my grandmother passed away, my mother couldn’t make decisions about her belongings and brought everything that wasn’t claimed into her home. This contributed to even more clutter and reduced mental health in the years it took her to finally let go.

After my aunt passed away, the police had to be called when family members’ disagreements over how to divide her belongings escalated to rage. This is why I believe that proactively decluttering your belongings as though you’ve passed away is essential; it will take untold burden and guilt off loved ones later.

Downsizing Strategies for ADHD Brains

Dictating what they should keep, pass along, and donate is a good way to start a battle with your parents. If you have ADHD, they probably do too. You might want to share your own experience with ADHD and how it has contributed to clutter and delayed decisions for you.

Then, do the following as you start the process:

• Set boundaries. Be candid about your limits. You might say, “My ADHD means I get overwhelmed and emotionally dysregulated when surrounded by clutter for too long. Let’s agree on time limits — maybe 90 minutes — and then I’ll need to stop.”
• Gain momentum with low-hanging fruit. Start with the obvious: trash, expired food and medication, and broken items.
• Think “needy family” for donations. When our sense of justice kicks in, we’re more likely to let things go. Obvious donations include duplicates, forgotten items with no sentimental or actual value, abandoned hobbies, and impractical items like shoes with high heels.
• Gamify the process. This helps people of all ages with ADHD. Remember to build in rewards.

[Free Webinar Replay: “Clearing the Chaos: ADHD-Informed Strategies for Tackling Clutter and Hoarding”]

When to Ask for Help

If you’re drowning in clutter and can’t seem to start, or you want to preserve your relationship, hire a professional who deals with this regularly, such as the National Association of Senior and Specialty Move Managers or the Institute of Challenging Disorganization.

My mother and I now have a relationship I never imagined could be possible. Instead of judgment about her clutter, I offer empathy. Instead of shame, there is understanding. We’re two ADHD brains navigating the same challenges differently, and, though I do it professionally, I am not risking our peace to help my mom downsize.

ADHD Decluttering Tips: Next Steps

• Free Download: 22 Clutter-Busting Strategies for Adults with ADHD
• Read: The Intersection of ADHD and Hoarding Disorder
• Read: 4 Emotions That Compound Clutter — and How to Overcome Them
• Q: “How Should I Organize My Home for a New Phase of Life?”

Jami Shapiro is a certified senior advisor and creator of SilverLiningsTransitions.com and GrandmaHasADHD.com.

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