Today is my 40th birthday.

When I turned 30 a decade ago, I wrote an article sharing life lessons to survive your 20s and crowd-sourced advice on how to excel in your 30s. And apparently you guys loved it.

So, here’s more of the good stuff: 40 life lessons I now know at 40 that I wish I knew at 20.

Dig in.

1. Your relationship with others is a direct reflection of your relationship with yourself

If you treat yourself poorly, then you will also unconsciously seek out and tolerate others who treat you poorly.

If you treat yourself with dignity and respect, then you will only tolerate others who treat you with dignity and respect.

Get right with yourself, get right with the world.

2. The only way to feel better about yourself is to do things worth feeling good about

Respect is earned, not given.

3. The only failure is not trying

The only rejection is not asking. The only mistake is not risking anything.

Success and failure are fuzzy concepts that only exist in your mind before you do something. Not after.

After the fact, everything will be a mixture of both. The only real failure is doing nothing.

4. No one is coming to save you

No single thing will solve all your problems. No goal, no achievement, no relationship.

No one will ever fix you. You will always feel mildly inadequate and somewhat dissatisfied with your life.

Nothing is wrong with you for feeling this way.

On the contrary, it might be the most normal thing about you.

5. Be the partner you want to have

If you want a healthy and fit partner, then be healthy and fit yourself. If you want a loyal and trustworthy partner, then be loyal and trustworthy yourself.

To put it another way, would you date you?

If not, then that’s a fucking problem.

6. The most valuable things in life compound over a long period of time

I’m talking about health, wealth, knowledge, confidence, relationships.

These things will frustrate you when you’re young because they are slow.

But if you start building them from a young age and you don’t stop, by the time you’re in your 30s and 40s you will have an incredible life.

7. The most sexy and exciting things in life are the opposite

These things start out extremely fun, but then have intense diminishing returns.

When you’re young, these things distract you and occupy a lot of your time and attention. I’m talking about social media, casual sex, drugs and alcohol, video games, gambling, vacations, and blowjobs.

The first time is incredible. The second time is almost as good. But then it’s all downhill from there.

Be sure to experience all of these things for a little bit, but then quickly move on.

Well, except the blowjobs. Don’t move on from the blowjobs.

8. If you’re not turning down things that excite you, then you’re not focused enough on what matters

Our world is overflowing with stimulation and opportunity.

If you aren’t struggling to turn down options, then you haven’t correctly prioritized what matters to you.

9. Taking responsibility for all of your problems alleviates more suffering than it creates

Most people assume that if you take responsibility for all the pain in your life, then you will just feel worse about it.

But the opposite is actually true. The more responsibility you take, the more you empower yourself to actually do something about that pain.

That’s because…

10. You give power to who you blame

When you blame someone else for your problems, you’re giving them power over you. You’re allowing them to define and dictate your happiness and well-being.

This is fucking stupid, so don’t do it.

It’s not worth it.

11. If you have to tell someone you’re that, then you’re not that

A rich man doesn’t feel the need to show people he’s rich.

A smart man doesn’t feel the need to tell people he’s smart.

A confident person doesn’t have to show people he’s confident. He just is.

Don’t say it. Be it.

12. Motivation is not the cause of action, but the effect

If you want to feel motivated to do something, take the smallest action towards doing it.

Then let the momentum carry you forward.

13. Love is not the cause of commitment, but the effect

You don’t wait until you have a perfect relationship to commit to a person.

You commit to the person in order to create the perfect relationship.

14. Passion is not the cause of good work, but the effect

You don’t wait until you find something you love doing.

You learn to do something well, and the process of developing competency and agency then causes you to become passionate about it.

15. The person you marry is the person you fight with

The house you buy is the house you repair. The dream job you take is the job you stress over.

Everything comes with an inherent sacrifice. Whatever makes us feel good will inevitably also make us feel bad.

16. A happy life is not a life without stress. It’s a life of meaningful stress

Nuff said.

17. Don’t view exercise as an exchange for something

You don’t work out to lose a few pounds or earn that hamburger or an ice cream. With this mindset, you will lose motivation quickly and quit.

Instead, view exercise as an investment. For every unit of energy you put in, you will receive multiple units of energy back.

The catch is that these units of energy you get back will be spread out over weeks, months, and years.

This is why exercising hardcore occasionally is far inferior to exercising a little bit every day.

18. Trust people

Most people are good. And while you might get hurt or embarrassed sometimes, the alternative is just way worse.

19. There’s no such thing as a life without problems

Warren Buffett has money problems. A homeless guy has money problems.

Buffett’s money problems are way more desirable than the homeless guy’s. But problems don’t just disappear, they get exchanged and upgraded for better problems as you grow and evolve.

The solution to today’s problem will be the seed of tomorrow’s.

Set your expectations accordingly.

20. Growth is rarely accompanied by joy and celebration

On the contrary, growth is usually painful to some degree.

That’s because growth requires loss—a loss of your old values, your old behaviors, your old loves, your old identity.

Change always has a component of grief to it, so be sure to let yourself grieve.

21. Fuck being normal

Statistically speaking, a normal person is physically unhealthy, emotionally anxious and depressed, socially lonely, and financially in debt.

So yeah, fuck being normal.

22. If you can’t say no, then your yeses mean nothing

We are defined by what we give up, what we sacrifice, and what we reject.

If you sacrifice nothing and reject nothing, then you have no identity. You are merely a reflection of the preferences and demands of the people around you.

In other words, if you don’t decide who you are, other people will decide for you.

23. Be careful how you define yourself

Your identity is a self-constructed mental prison, confining you to a life of desperately seeking and finding things to validate whatever you’ve chosen to become.

Define yourself as loosely and ambiguously as possible. You will feel less defensive towards the world and be willing to change when it’s necessary.

24. Don’t make assumptions about people

You have no fucking idea what they’ve been through.

Don’t make assumptions about yourself either. Chances are you have no idea what you’re talking about.

The last person we’re objective about is ourselves.

25. No one thinks about you as much as you think about yourself

Whatever you’re insecure about, chances are 99% of people around you haven’t even noticed it.

This is because everybody else is too busy thinking about themselves.

This may strike you as a little bit depressing, but it’s actually liberating. It means that you are judged far less than you think.

26. Confidence does not come from an expectation of success. It comes from a comfort with failure

There’s a word for someone who feels a need to succeed in everything: a fucking narcissist.

Don’t be a narcissist. Embrace your flaws. Embrace failure.

27. Develop a willingness to be disliked

This will grant you the freedom to do what needs to be done, even if it’s unpopular.

28. You cannot be a life-changing presence to some people without also being a complete fucking joke to others

Part of the price of having impact is some hate. And usually that hate is proportional to the impact.

29. Floss and wear sunscreen every day

Look, I know I sound like your mom right now, but trust me, in 20 years you’re going to be thanking me.

30. Extraordinary results come from repeating ordinary actions over an inordinate amount of time

Any overnight success is secretly the result of quietly working in obscurity for years, if not decades.

31. Choosing a partner is not about romance

You’re also choosing a confidant, counselor, career advisor, therapist, investor, teacher, travel buddy, roommate, best friend, business partner.

And no, I’m not saying you should make your partner be all these things.

I’m saying whether you want to or not, your partner is going to become all of these things. That’s what a relationship is.

So choose fucking wisely.

32. Don’t overestimate romantic love

Love doesn’t fix relationship problems. It doesn’t make trust issues go away.

The truth is, love can harm as much as it heals. It’s an amplifier. It makes a good relationship better and a bad relationship much worse.

Don’t get me wrong, love is great. Love is beautiful when it works.

But to make a healthy relationship, by itself love is not enough.

33. Trust is the currency of all relationships

Every good relationship is built off the back of years of trust.

Every failed relationship fails because of broken trust.

Therefore, honesty and integrity are the backbones of a life of healthy relationships and therefore happiness.

Dishonesty and a lack of integrity might be a shortcut to some short-term gains, but you’re completely fucking yourself in the long run, so fucking stop it.

Speaking of which…

34. If all of your relationships have the same problem…

Newsflash: you’re the fucking problem.

35. There’s no such thing as a bad emotion, only a bad response to an emotion

Every emotion can be used constructively or destructively.

One of the most useful things you can ever learn in your life is to figure out how to channel your negative emotions constructively.

36. Go to bed and wake up early

My whole life, I always promised myself I would never be that guy who went to bed at 9PM on a Friday and got up at 5AM to hit the fucking gym.

But kids, I hate to tell you, mornings are the real shit. Sorry.

37. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone, including yourself

Let me say that again: you don’t have to prove anything to anyone, including yourself.

38. Life advice is like clothing

Try it on. And if it doesn’t fit, discard it and try something else.

Also: like clothing, bad advice will be useless within a few weeks, but good advice will last you a lifetime.

39. Nothing meaningful in life is easy, nothing easy in life is meaningful

We think we’d like to have everything handed to us on a silver platter. But the truth is that we don’t appreciate or enjoy things that we don’t struggle for.

So stop avoiding the difficult things in your life and instead find the difficult things you enjoy.

And finally…

40. It’s never too late to change

A friend of mine once told me a story about his grandmother. He said that when her husband died, she was 62 and for the first time in her life, she began to take piano lessons.

For weeks, she practiced all day, every day.

At first, the family thought it was just a phase, a way for her to process her grief. But months went by and she continued to play every day.

People started to wonder if she was crazy or something was wrong with her. They told her to give it up, face reality. But she kept going.

By the time she was in her 90s, she’d been playing piano every day for over 30 years, longer than most professional musicians have been alive. She had mastered all of the classics—Mozart, Beethoven, Bach, Vivaldi.

Everyone who heard her play swore that she must have been a concert pianist in her youth. No one believed her when she said that she took her first lesson in her 60s.

I love this story because it shows that even at an impractical old age, you still have more time left to learn something than most professionals at that thing have even been alive.

I didn’t start writing until I was 27. I didn’t start my YouTube channel until I was 36.

In every phase of my life, I’ve started five to ten years later than most people. Yet it didn’t matter.

I get emails all the time from people asking me, hey, I’m 20 or 40 or 60 or 80, is it too late? Can I change? Is there time?

The answer is it’s never too late. There’s always time.

The only question is how long we’re going to sit here and make excuses and pretend there’s not.

Every day, hundreds of millions of people suffer from giving too many fucks. They spend their lives imprisoned by meaningless anxiety and unnecessary concerns. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

In this article, I’m going to walk you through the five levels of non-fuck-giving, each level demonstrating more non-fuckery than the last. You will learn step by step how to face your fears, how to stop worrying what other people think, and how to achieve the eternal bliss of a fuckless life.

Strap in, it’s time to stop giving fucks and start living.

Level 1: Embarrassment

In psychology, there’s something known as the Spotlight Effect. The Spotlight Effect says that we all tend to assume that people are paying far more attention to us than they actually are.

Think back to the last time you got a terrible haircut. Chances are you walked around all day assuming that everybody was staring at that tragedy of a mop on your head. But the reality was most people didn’t notice. And if they noticed, they sure didn’t care.

One of my favorite quotes ever comes from the author David Foster Wallace. He said:

You will stop worrying so much what other people think about you when you realize how seldom they do.

As someone who grew up with a lot of social anxiety, this idea was absolutely profound to me. But the problem is the idea by itself is not sufficient. You have to get out into the world and experience it. You have to get out and challenge your own Spotlight Effect.

Does that mean you have to put on a chicken suit and go for a walk at your local mall? No, not necessarily (though I won’t stop you). But it does mean you have to do something.

You have to challenge yourself. You have to put yourself into uncomfortable situations in front of other people, and prove to yourself conclusively that nobody’s paying attention, that nobody gives a shit.

Tolerating embarrassment is the bedrock of not giving a fuck. The moment you realize nobody fucking cares, that’s when you’ve conquered Level One of non-fuck-giving.

Onwards.

Level 2: Rejection

If the willingness to look like an idiot is the first step towards not giving a fuck, the next step is being willing to face rejection.

It’s one thing to not care what strangers think, but what about people you actually care about? Are you willing to say things that your friends and family might not approve of? Are you comfortable having difficult conversations? Are you afraid to embarrass yourself on a date?

People who give way too many fucks don’t do well with rejection. Their self-esteem is so wrapped up with social approval that they find rejection intolerable and do their damnedest to avoid it, usually by performing. They view every social situation in terms of “What do I say or do to get people to like me?” And then they try to say or do that.

This is a terrible way to live, for a bunch of reasons. The first is just that it’s incredibly stressful. Every social interaction basically becomes like an exam at school where you have to say and do the exact right things to get the result.

But the real reason is that it prevents you from having healthy relationships in the first place. Even if you do perform in the right way and get people to like you, you will never fully trust that they like you for you.

The big breakthrough for most people comes when they finally drop the performance and embrace authenticity in their relationships. When they realize no matter how well they perform, they’re eventually gonna be rejected by someone, they might as well get rejected for who they already are.

When you start approaching relationships with authenticity, by being unapologetic about who you are and living with the results, you realize you don’t have to wait around for people to choose you, you can also choose them.

And this changes everything.

Level 3: Criticism

Fact: you can’t keep everyone happy all of the time.

Whatever you do, there will be people who’ll criticize your actions, say negative things about you. And you must learn to live with this, to understand that criticism is part of the job description of success, that the respect and admiration you want will always come with a healthy serving of critics eager to tear you down.

The next time you’re criticized, here’s what you do:

1. If you respect the person, listen to the criticism and improve.
2. If you don’t respect the person, then fuck them. Who cares?

Criticism is simply information. If it isn’t useful information about you, then it’s useful information about them. Either way, it’s constructive. So why avoid it?

Level 4: Failure

Something incredible happens when you stop giving a fuck what other people think about you—which is what Levels 1-3 were all about—it gives you the freedom to fail.

All those things you’ve been curious about, all those adventures you’ve dreamed of but been too scared to pursue, it all suddenly opens up to you because you’ve stopped giving a fuck what people will say about you if you fail.

You no longer care what your family’s going to say if you quit your shitty job and can’t find a better one, so you go ahead and quit. You no longer care if you join a breakdance class and are so terrible at it you become the butt of everybody’s joke, so you go ahead and sign up.

Here’s the thing: it doesn’t matter if you fail. It matters what you do. Life happens in the process, not the results.

Most of us are too results-oriented and not enough process-oriented, and I think a lot of this comes from the way we’re raised. You grow up and you’re rewarded for getting an A on the test or getting a gold star at the activity. Everything is about “Can you achieve this result? And then we will reward you.”

But the fact of the matter is, life doesn’t actually work that way. In fact, in many ways, life rewards the willingness to fail, life rewards the person who is willing to embarrass themselves a little bit, who’s willing to take some risks, who’s willing to be bad at something for as long as it takes to get good at it.

So let me ask you, what are you unapologetically bad at? What are you more than happy to be terrible at because it brings so much joy to your life?

Find that something, and go do it. Even if you fail spectacularly, you’ll have done something worthwhile, something you’ll be proud to tell your grandchildren about.

Level 5: Zero Fucks Given

Congratulations. We’ve made it, my friends, to the pinnacle. Undeterred by embarrassment, rejection, ridicule or failure, we have achieved the perfect freedom of non-fuckery.

A life of zero fucks given is a life of zero pressure, zero regret. It’s a life of freedom, of doing whatever the hell you want to do, of being whoever the hell you want to be.

Look, you and everyone you know are gonna die one day. So what the fuck are you waiting for? That goal you have, that dream you keep to yourself, that person you wanna meet. What are you letting stop you? Go do it.

Because seriously, who gives a fuck?

Welcome to the realm of uncomfortable truths, where I, Mark Manson, will make you question everything you’ve ever believed in.

Buckle up, buttercup. Let’s dive into the rabbit hole of reality.

Truth #1: You’re Wrong About (Almost) Everything

One day, everything you believe today will be proven to be completely and utterly wrong or incomplete.

Remember the past you? The one with embarrassing beliefs and naïve ideas? Well, guess what, future you will look back at present you with the same cringe-worthy disgust.

The Lesson: Next time you’re absolutely sure about something, take a step back and ask yourself if it’s something you’ll be embarrassed about in a decade.

If yes, maybe shut the fuck up.

Truth #2: Most People Aren’t Evil, Just Stupid (Including You)

Social media has made moralizing a sport, with people constantly judging each other as good or evil based on their ideas.

Enter Hanlon’s Razor:

Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.

And now, Manson’s Addendum: pretty much everything you see or read is some degree of stupidity.

The Lesson: Combine these two principles, and you’ll see that we should reserve our moral judgments for only the clearest of situations.

Slow down on the judging, folks.

Truth #3: Care About People (And Show It)

George Vaillant’s study of Harvard graduates spanning 70 years revealed that the only consistent factor contributing to happiness and well-being is the quality of our relationships.

The secret? Learn to care about others and show them that you care.

The Lesson: The highest leverage skill you can build in your life is to care about people and demonstrate it. Cultivate strong relationships based on trust, intimacy, vulnerability, and mutual respect.

Remember, it’s all embracing the fact that we’re all a little bit stupid.

Manson, out.

We’re living in an era where anxiety seems to be omnipresent, and everyone is struggling with it to some degree.

It’s important to remember that the reasons behind our anxiety may not be as crucial as our reactions to it. In this guide, let’s explore five comprehensive ways to help you deal with anxiety, along with one slower, long-term approach.

Emotions & Physiology: The Undeniable Connection

Our emotions are deeply intertwined with our physiological state.

When we repeatedly experience certain emotions, especially during our formative years, our bodies can adapt to this state as a natural response to various situations.

To challenge and change this, we have to consciously work on reacting differently when those emotions arise.

Here are five techniques to start with.

Technique 1: Breathe With Purpose

Controlled breathing techniques can effectively regulate our physiological state when anxiety strikes. One of the most popular methods is the 4-7-8 technique:

1. Inhale deeply through your nose for 4 seconds.
2. Hold your breath for 7 seconds.
3. Exhale slowly through your mouth for 8 seconds.

Repeat this cycle at least four times.

Ensure that you’re engaging your diaphragm while breathing, as this promotes better blood flow and helps your body relax.

Technique 2: Embrace the Calming Power of Meditation

Meditation is a potent tool in managing anxiety. It encourages deep, controlled breathing and teaches you to observe your thoughts and feelings without reacting to them.

This ability to let things be without judgment can improve various aspects of your life, making you more relaxed, patient, and resilient.

To start meditating:

1. Find a quiet space and sit comfortably.
2. Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths.
3. Focus on your breath and let your thoughts come and go without engaging with them.
4. Gradually increase your meditation time as you become more comfortable with the practice.

Technique 3: Share Your Thoughts and Feelings

Sometimes, the most straightforward solution to anxiety is to talk about it with someone.

By sharing your heightened emotions with a trusted friend, family member, or mental health professional, you may realize that your concerns aren’t as significant as they first appeared.

Connecting with others can provide support, encouragement, and the stability you need to navigate your anxiety.

Technique 4: Confronting the Worst-Case Scenario With Stoicism

Negative visualization is a concept from stoicism that involves imagining the worst-case scenario and learning to accept it.

This exercise enables you to think several steps ahead, recognize that you can handle whatever comes your way, and ultimately reduce anxiety.

To practice negative visualization:

1. Identify the situation that’s causing you anxiety.
2. Imagine the worst possible outcome.
3. Consider how you would cope with this outcome and the steps you would take to move forward.

Technique 5: Tequila Orgy

Just kidding!

While it’s tempting to conflate pleasure with happiness, pleasure is ultimately a false god and will eventually fail you.

But if you laughed a little at that, well that might help your anxiety too.

The Uncomfortable Reality: There’s No Quick Fix

Now, for the slower, long-term approach: The uncomfortable truth is that anxiety never completely disappears—we just become more adept at handling it.

High performers under pressure aren’t necessarily less anxious than others. They’ve simply developed strategies to manage their anxiety more effectively.

It’s essential to acknowledge that there’s no magic pill or instant solution to eradicate anxiety.

Rather than seeking a quick fix, we should focus on embracing a long-term mindset, gradually building resilience and equipping ourselves with tools to navigate anxiety when it arises, starting with the five four I’ve shared in this article.

You’re welcome.

Many of us harbor a deep-seated desire to adopt a particular identity, often picturing ourselves as something that we are not.

For example, I’ve longed to be a surfer for years. The idea fascinated me so much that I even booked several weeks of surf lessons in Costa Rica.

Surfing can be incredibly meditative. It compels you to surrender control and simply respond to the unpredictability of the ocean.

The nature of surfing is such that you can’t control the waves. All you can do is react to them. It encourages a zen-like mindset where you learn to accept whatever comes your way and respond to it with your best effort.

Yet, despite the appeal, I soon realized a painful truth: I was more in love with the idea of being a surfer than actually surfing. The thought of catching the perfect wave was thrilling, but the reality involved a lot of crashing, paddling, and exhaustion.

Identity Versus Reality

This dissonance between the allure of an identity and the reality of it is something we all grapple with.

Why do we yearn to adopt these identities? For me, being a surfer was a way to fill a perceived void, an aspiration to be this cool, athletic beach bum.

It’s crucial to understand that wanting an identity is not the same as enjoying the work it entails. This lesson came to me through writing. It’s easy to call oneself a writer, but to put in the work and actually be a writer is another matter. It involves a lot more blood, sweat, and tears.

People often approach me, expressing a desire to become writers. The truth, however, is that many of them are drawn to the idea of being a writer, not the process of writing. They want the identity, not the work.

The Courage to Let Go

Admitting the disconnect between wanting an identity and enjoying the activity can be a tough pill to swallow.

I, too, had to face the fact that I didn’t find surfing fun after spending a considerable amount of money and time on it.

Many of us fall into the trap of adopting an identity, persevering through tasks we despise because of the persona they allow us to project. Just like the lawyer who loathes his job but clings to the successful lawyer persona, it’s easy to fear letting go of these illusions.

The real courage lies in being okay with not knowing who you are or what you want to do.

The Freedom of Letting Go

So, the question arises:

What are you doing in your life that you don’t actually love, but you’re doing it because of the image it projects or the persona it creates?

Identifying such areas can lead to the root cause of your anxiety, misery, or dysfunction. Such forced identities create unnecessary friction in our lives and often lead us to defensive behaviors to maintain these illusions.

Learning to let go of identities that don’t serve your happiness and fulfillment is liberating. As Seneca wisely put it, a rich man isn’t someone who has everything, but someone who wants nothing.

The more you desire things that aren’t authentically aligned with you, the less content you’ll feel. The process of letting go increases your sense of joy and fulfillment.

Upon realizing I wasn’t destined to be a “badass surf dude,” I felt an enormous sense of relief. I found comfort in embracing my true identity as a “nerd behind a computer.”

This realization helped me drop the burdensome façade and accept myself as I truly am. The key to a rich life is finding pleasure in the things themselves, not just in the identities they confer upon us.

All ye readers, buckle up.

Today, I’m giving you 14 non-fiction books I believe everyone should read.

For each book, I’ve provided a brief summary. Now it’s up to you to decide if it’s worth your time.

Let’s dig in.

1. The Body Keeps the Score
by Bessel van der Kolk

This book dives deep into the world of trauma, discussing its effects on the mind, body, and daily life.

If you want to know everything about trauma and how to deal with it, this is your go-to guide.

2. The Paradox of Choice
by Barry Schwartz

With more choices, we often feel less satisfied.

This book argues for simplifying our lives and limiting ourselves in various ways to combat the constant bombardment of options we face daily.

3. The Blank Slate
by Steven Pinker

Debunking the myth that our minds are born as clean slates, Pinker delves into the importance of genetics in shaping our identities.

This book is a must-read for anyone interested in the ongoing debates around gender, sex, and race.

4. Getting the Love You Want
by Dr. Harville Hendrix

This book explores the psychology of relationships, explaining the patterns we follow based on the mental maps we develop as children.

If you want to understand why you keep dating the same type of person, give this a read.

5. The Denial of Death
by Ernest Becker

A profound take on our motivations in life, this book suggests that we’re driven by a fear of death.

We undertake massive projects in the hope of leaving a legacy, allowing us to forget our mortality.

6. Influence
by Robert Cialdini

A must-read for those in marketing, sales, or publicity, this book examines the psychological triggers that influence decision-making.

It’s also useful for consumers who want to understand how they’re being manipulated.

7. Atomic Habits
by James Clear

James Clear tackles the emotional drivers behind habit change, explaining that changing emotions comes first, followed by physical behavior.

Learn how small actions can accumulate and compound over time.

8. The Elephant in the Brain
by Kevin Simler and Robin Hanson

Simler and Hanson delve into our darker impulses and the conscious mind’s attempts to rationalize them.

This book exposes the hidden motives behind our beliefs and attitudes.

9. Nonviolent Communication
by Marshall Rosenberg

Though slightly woo-woo, this book offers insight into the subtext and meaning embedded in our language when talking about feelings.

Understand how your use of language affects your emotions and relationships.

10. The Coddling of the American Mind
by Greg Lukianoff and Jonathan Haidt

Jonathan Haidt and Greg Lukianoff’s The Coddling of the American Mind takes a hard look at how changes in education, parenting styles, and technology have led to a more emotionally fragile population. They argue that it’s not the kids’ fault, but rather the responsibility of parents and teachers.

This book offers some important points about culture in recent generations.

11. So Good They Can’t Ignore You
by Cal Newport

Cal Newport’s So Good They Can’t Ignore You challenges the idea that purpose is something you just find. Instead, Newport contends that passion comes from first becoming great at something.

This book offers a fresh perspective on how to find purpose and passion in life.

12. The Psychology of Money
by Morgan Housel

Morgan Housel’s The Psychology of Money delves into popular assumptions about money and wealth. Housel, coming from the finance world, reveals that much of finance is more art than science.

This book shows that people’s understanding of money is often flawed and that those who want to be wealthy often just want to spend money—ironically, the very thing that prevents them from becoming wealthy.

13. The Second Mountain
by David Brooks

David Brooks’ The Second Mountain is a beautifully written book that charts a life course through two mountains—one of worldly success and the other of purpose.

This book is particularly profound for people in their 30s and 40s who are experiencing success for the first time and grappling with the question, “What’s the point?”

14. Democracy for Realists
by Christopher H. Achen and Larry M. Bartels

Lastly, Democracy for Realists is a dense, academic read that delves into the paradox of democracy—the more democratic a society, the worse choices they often make.

This book is sobering and eye-opening, providing examples of why people with expertise and experience should be the ones making important decisions.

Looking for More Books to Read?

I’ve put together a list of over 200 “best books” organized by genre, as well as my all-time recommended reading list that includes the book(s) I’m reading each month. Check them out.

Hey party people! It’s Mark Manson, and today I want to talk about Dr. Jordan Peterson and his books, “12 Rules for Life” and “12 More Rules for Life.”

I’ve had the pleasure of chatting with him on his podcast and even got some F-bombs out of him. But what really stuck with me was the idea of creating our own rules for life—guiding principles and codes that help define us as individuals.

So, without further ado, let me share my rules for life.

Disclaimer: These are MY rules for life, not a prescription for everyone. Take them or leave them, but let’s dive in.

Rule #1: Radical Responsibility

The first rule is taking responsibility for everything in your own experience, even if it’s not your fault.

This concept comes from existentialism, specifically Jean-Paul Sartre. He believed that in every moment, we’re making choices and that this constant choosing can be a burden.

To avoid this responsibility, we often blame others or adopt their values. Sartre called this “living in bad faith,” when we avoid responsibility and live for others rather than ourselves.

On the other hand, living authentically means making conscious choices based on our own principles and values. This idea of personal responsibility is essential for self-improvement and emotional health.

It’s crucial to understand that responsibility doesn’t equate to fault. Bad things happen, but it’s our responsibility to deal with them and move forward.

Rule #2: No Bad Emotions, Only Bad Reactions

The second rule is that there’s no such thing as a bad emotion—only bad reactions to emotions. Emotions are normal human functions, and what makes them good or bad is how we respond to them.

Emotional intelligence or emotional skill is essential in managing our emotions, and we all have our strengths and weaknesses.

Being open to experiencing emotions without judgment is the first step to emotional health. The second step is expressing these emotions in a healthy and non-damaging way.

A note: While it’s great that public figures are becoming more open about their emotions and mental health, we should avoid glorifying or judging them based on these emotions. Emotional vulnerability is essential, but let’s not lose sight of the fact that we’re all just human.

Rule #3: Radical Growth

The third rule is that every action and decision you make should be motivated to improve lives, both yours and others’. It’s about having a value towards radical growth and always maintaining the intention of growth and improvement.

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These three rules—radical responsibility, radical acceptance, and radical growth—are simple, straight to the point, and pretty much impossible to live up to.

But that’s the point: good rules for life should require constant effort. Otherwise they wouldn’t be for life, would they?

Hey there, you beautiful bastards. Today, we’re diving into the infinite complexities of the self.

We’ll be exploring the concept of self at five different levels, from simple explanations to brain-melting ideas that’ll leave you questioning your very existence.

Ready?

Let’s do this.

Level 1: The Child Self – I Can Control My Hand!

At this level, the concept of self is pretty straightforward. Whatever you feel or control in your environment is part of you.

You can control your hand? Boom, part of yourself. Can’t control the chair without touching it? That’s not you.

Simple, right?

Level 2: The Teenage Self – Who Am I, Really?

As we grow older, we start to realize that our self isn’t limited to our physical body.

Abstract concepts like being compassionate, talented, or born in a specific place come to define us. Our sense of well-being becomes tied to how others perceive us, and our self becomes a socially negotiated concept.

Level 3: The College Student Self – Say Hello to the Ego

By college, we’re aware that there’s tension between our self-definition and how the world sees us. To protect our sense of self, we develop psychological defense mechanisms. This is Freud’s definition of the ego.

A healthy ego is essential, but when our self-definition deviates from reality, it becomes toxic, leading to emotional dysfunction.

Level 4: The Grad Student Self – Arbitrary Definitions

At this level, we realize that the concept of self is just an arbitrary definition, like any other. Our definitions of self are based on our experiences, environment, and culture.

The fluidity of self is a psychological mechanism that helps us function in society. Essentially, the ego is an evolutionary adaptation of our minds.

Level 5: The Expert-Level Self – There Is No Self

Here’s where things get trippy. There is no self. Our belief in our existence is just an illusion spun up by our minds. Nothing truly exists, and life is transitory and ill-defined.

By training our minds, we can see through this illusion and experience reality as a manifestation of existence. There is no such thing as death—everything is present and has always been.

Ever find yourself drowning in a sea of negativity, wondering how you can escape the relentless tidal wave of self-doubt and judgment?

Well, you’re not alone. We all suffer from negative thoughts, and it’s about time we learned how to deal with them effectively.

In this comprehensive guide, we’ll explore three steps that can help you manage negative thinking, accept failure, and ultimately achieve more of your goals.

Step 1: Accept Failure as a Natural Part of Life

One of the most important things we can do when dealing with negative thoughts is to accept that failure is a natural and necessary part of life. We often forget that failure is a concept that we invent in our own minds, setting arbitrary benchmarks that, when not met, make us feel like losers.

For example, consider your financial goals. If you decide that you need $50,000 to be happy and you only achieve $40,000, you’ll feel like a failure. But if you set your goal at $40,000 from the start, suddenly you’re a success.

It’s crucial to understand that the goalposts we set for ourselves are often arbitrary and malleable.

The first step in managing negative thoughts is to hold those mental images and standards a little more loosely. Nothing ever turns out quite as good or as bad as we expect. Our minds have a tendency to exaggerate and amplify certain feelings or expectations.

Remembering that, like everyone else, you’re full of shit sometimes, can help you keep things in perspective.

Step 2: Practice Self-Forgiveness

Learning to forgive yourself for your mistakes and failures is a necessary component of managing negative thoughts. Often, the difference between people who suffer from negative thoughts and those who can move on is the ability to let go of self-judgments.

To begin practicing self-forgiveness, separate the action from the intention. Most of the time, when people make mistakes, they genuinely intended to do something good. Focus on that intention and try to understand the motivation behind it. Once you can empathize with your own motivations, you’ll find it easier to forgive yourself.

Next, draw a lesson from your failure. Ask yourself what you can learn from it, how you can do better next time, and what will prevent you from making the same mistake again.

By deriving value from your failures, you’ll start to see them as opportunities for growth rather than reasons to beat yourself up.

Step 3: Don’t Judge Your Negative Thoughts With More Negative Thoughts

One of the most dangerous traps people fall into is judging their negative thoughts with even more negativity. This creates a vicious cycle that can be difficult to break. For example, feeling insecure about being insecure, or getting anxious about feeling anxious.

The key to breaking this cycle is to simply not judge negative thoughts negatively. Understand that it’s normal to experience anxiety, insecurity, and other negative emotions. Accepting these thoughts and feelings as part of the human experience can help you break free from the spiral of negativity.

Our culture’s obsession with positive thinking has created unrealistic expectations of success and happiness. It’s essential to get more comfortable with the negative aspects of life and understand that they are a necessary part of personal growth. Embracing the negative allows us to derive the positive lessons and experiences that come with it.

So it’s time to accept that negative thoughts are not only inevitable but also useful in helping us grow as individuals. By embracing failure, practicing self-forgiveness, and not judging our negative thoughts with more negativity, we can learn to navigate through life with more ease and less misery.

There’s this weird fantasy we all share of not giving a flying fuck about what people think.

We all wish we could be impervious to others’ opinions, like Superman deflecting bullets. But instead of bullets, we’re out here trying to deflect the fucks we wish we didn’t give.

We imagine a perfect mental state where our insecurities vanish and we conquer the world. But then reality sets in, and we realize it’s not so easy.

To tackle this issue, I’ll break down the short answer, the long answer, and a surprising one.

The Short Answer: Embrace Your Humanity

The short answer to why we care about what others think is simple: it’s because we’re not psychopaths.

Caring about others’ opinions makes us empathetic, compassionate, and able to form friendships. In fact, other people’s opinions and perceptions often lead to joy, empathy, compassion, and deep connections.

So when we ask how to not care what people think, what we’re really asking is how to better manage those thoughts and feelings.

The Evolutionary Roots of Sociability

To understand why we care so much, let’s dive into the long answer. Our intelligence and sociability evolved as our superpowers in the animal kingdom. Humans are weak, slow, and generally terrible at most physical tasks compared to other animals. What sets us apart is our intelligence and our ability to form complex social structures.

For the majority of human history, we lived in small tribes where everyone depended on one another for survival. In these tribes, social rejection could be fatal. Our brains evolved to associate social rejection with death, and that’s why it feels so painful.

Learning to cope with these feelings of social dependency is part of being human.

Modern Life’s Blessing: Picking Your Tribe

One of the best aspects of modern life is that we can choose our tribe. Since we’re no longer confined to small groups, we can find new people to connect with if we’re rejected or ostracized. You will always crave social validation, but you can decide who you want to impress and who’s worth impressing.

The problem for many people is that they surround themselves with petty, shitty people, and as a result, they crave validation from those same people.

Instead of not caring what people think, focus on finding better people to surround yourself with—people who respect and admire you and can teach you something valuable.

Find Something More Important

Which brings us to the surprising answer: If you find yourself caring too much about what people think, it might be because you don’t have something more important to care about.

When you have something truly important in your life, something you’re willing to be ridiculed for, that’s when you’ll stop caring about others’ opinions. Ironically, that’s also when people start respecting you.

Imagine a burning building with a baby trapped inside. If you were the only one who could save the baby, you wouldn’t care what others thought. You’d run into the fire without hesitation. That’s an extreme example, but the principle applies to everyday life.

So, ask yourself:

What’s so important in your life that you’re willing to be ridiculed for it?

If you can’t answer that question easily, maybe that’s the problem you need to address.

This isn’t going to be your typical pep talk about how the universe works in mysterious ways, or how everything will fall into place if you’re patient.

Spoiler alert: it won’t.

The cold hard truth is this: the universe doesn’t care about your happiness. You do.

Maybe you’ve searched for answers in meditation retreats or self-help books (even, like, really, really good ones). Or you went balls out and booked a trip to Peru to chug ayahuasca and talk to the gods over a long weekend.

But now you’re sitting there, probably with a perplexed frown, scrolling through your phone, sipping your triple-shot latte, wondering, “Why am I so unhappy?”

Look, the secret to your happiness isn’t concealed in an esoteric Zen saying, nor is it locked away in a mindfulness app.

The answer is staring right at you from the mirror.

So why, then, are you so damn unhappy?

Well, let me take a stab at it.

You’re Chasing Happiness

Here’s a sobering truth: chasing happiness is like playing tag with a ghost. You run around, exhausting yourself, and still end up empty-handed.

Now, don’t misunderstand me. It’s not bad to want to be happy. But when happiness becomes the goal rather than a byproduct of a life well-lived, that’s where things go south.

You see, life isn’t about always riding high on the crest of joy. Life is the troughs as well as the crests. It’s the stormy seas and the calm waters.

Remember the movie ‘Inside Out’? Those adorable characters, each representing an emotion, weren’t there just for show. They underscore a profound truth: every emotion, whether it’s joy or sadness, plays a crucial role in the grand scheme of things.

Happiness isn’t a destination. It’s a byproduct of a life filled with meaning, purpose, and fulfillment.

So instead of hankering after happiness, shift your focus to doing things that matter to you, things that bring you a sense of achievement and growth, even if they involve discomfort.

You’re Shying Away From Pain

We live in a society where pain is treated like an unwanted guest. We’ve created all these shields from pain—from painkillers for the most minor discomforts to the indulgence in distractions for the avoidance of emotional pain or even just boredom.

But here’s the inconvenient truth: pain is a part of the package deal of life.

You can’t experience true growth without some measure of discomfort. The burn of an intense workout leads to stronger muscles. Similarly, the pain of facing difficult situations head-on, of overcoming challenges, leads to a stronger character.

Imagine you’ve always dreamed of starting your own business. But you’re scared of potential failure, financial instability, and the grueling hours. So, you decide to stay in your comfort zone, your 9-5 job that drains you. By trying to dodge the “pain,” you’re also dodging opportunities for growth and true fulfillment.

You’re Comparing Yourself to Others

Welcome to the era of social media, the perfect stage for the comparison game. When your feed is flooded with everyone else’s highlight reels, it’s easy to feel like you’re not keeping up.

Constant comparison is a surefire recipe for dissatisfaction. Remember, you’re running your own race. It’s going to look different from anyone else’s, and that’s perfectly okay.

Your friend might be flaunting a plush corner office, while you’re working from a quaint home office. They might have a six-figure salary, while you’re earning just enough to live comfortably.

But here’s the catch: maybe they’re stressed, overworked, and lacking peace, while you enjoy the freedom to work on your own terms, and live a more balanced life.

You’re Living in Your Head Instead of the Present

Our minds are often time-traveling machines. We dwell on the past, reliving memories or nursing regrets. We fret about the future, spinning webs of anxiety about things that haven’t happened yet. In all this time travel, we ignore the present, the only moment we truly have.

Life unfolds in the present. You can’t rewrite the past or control the future, but you can make the most of the present. Embrace it, with all its beauty and its flaws.

Perhaps you’re reading this article in a bustling café, a mug of coffee at your side. Instead of stressing about the upcoming meeting or reminiscing about the past, take a deep breath. Savor the aroma of your coffee, feel its warmth seep into your palms, soak in the café ambience.

Live in the present.

You Blame Others for Your Unhappiness

We’ve all been there—blaming our boss for our stress, our parents for our insecurities, our ex for our inability to trust. We hold them responsible for our unhappiness. But here’s the real deal: you, and only you, are responsible for your happiness.

It’s easy to point fingers, to play the victim, to relinquish control. It absolves us from taking responsibility. It shields us from the hard truth that we, and we alone, have the power to change our circumstances.

Blaming others for your unhappiness is like handing them the remote control to your life. It’s saying, “Here, you have the power to affect my mood and my state of mind.”

Why would you give that kind of power away?

Take that power back. You’re not a puppet on a string, swaying to others’ whims. You’re the puppeteer. You control your actions, your reactions, and ultimately, your happiness.

Think about it like this: you’re stuck in traffic, late for a meeting, and the cab driver took a longer route. You can either spend the entire ride fuming at the driver, blaming him for your day starting off on the wrong foot, or you can use the time to prepare for your meeting, or even enjoy a few extra minutes of your favorite podcast. The situation hasn’t changed, but your reaction to it has, and that makes a world of difference.

Ultimately, it boils down to this: don’t give others the satisfaction or the power to control your emotions. Remember, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. And certainly, no one can make you unhappy without your permission.

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Life is a rollercoaster, a mix of ups and downs, of good days and bad days.

Happiness isn’t a permanent state, but a fleeting emotion, much like any other.

Embrace the journey, with its triumphs and its trials, its joys and its sorrows. Because every bit of it contributes to your personal narrative, your unique masterpiece.

Let go of the frantic pursuit of happiness, confront and embrace pain, cease comparisons, anchor yourself in the present, and stop blaming others for your unhappiness.

And perhaps, in the midst of all this, you might just find that elusive butterfly of happiness landing gently on your shoulder when you least expect it.

Ah, narcissists. Checking themselves out in every reflective surface they walk by. Yammering on about that one time they won the third-grade spelling bee. Thinking they’re God’s gift to the universe—after all, why else would He have put them right in the middle of it?

But here’s the thing: Narcissism is way more complex and, quite frankly, way more annoying than that.

Yes, it’s an inflated sense of self-importance and a hankering for constant admiration, combined with a devastating lack of empathy for others. It’s the “Me, Myself and I” syndrome, where the world must revolve around a single person, and everyone else is just an extra in the movie of their life.

But before you start pointing fingers at your ex or that obnoxious coworker, remember: We’ve all got a smidgeon of narcissism in us. It’s just that some people got an extra dollop. Or five.

So let’s dive headfirst into this bottomless pit of ego and self-absorption, cutting through the BS, and maybe, just maybe, we’ll come out on the other side understanding what makes these narcissists tick.

And who knows, we might even figure out how to deal with them without losing our sanity.

Let’s unpack this sweaty bag of asses together.

What Is Narcissism?

First, let’s clarify what narcissism actually is.

Simply put, narcissism is a chronic state of entitlement.

A narcissist might believe they are exceptionally extraordinary or exceptionally deprived. In either case, the rules that apply to everyone else don’t apply to them. The narcissist owes the world nothing, while the world owes them everything.

As with most things in life, narcissism comes in varying degrees. No one is 0% or 100% narcissistic. Everyone falls along a spectrum. We all exhibit a few narcissistic traits—that is, a certain amount of entitlement—on our worst days.

But, at the extreme end, a person might be suffering from a full-blown personality disorder.¹ And even those who are clinically diagnosed will fall along a spectrum from high-functioning individuals to complete neurotic messes.²

We all engage in at least some narcissistic behaviors at some point or another. The problem arises when narcissism becomes our default mode and we don’t realize we’re behaving like a narcissist.

The Two Types of Narcissism

In my book, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, I talk about two types of entitlement, which are really two types of narcissism.

Let’s pick apart each one.

The Grandiose Narcissist

The “grandiose narcissist” is the type we mostly think of when we say that someone is a narcissist. They’re the thin-skinned, attention-seeking, arrogant asshats who are oblivious to the needs of others and will exploit anything and anyone.³

Now, we all know someone who thinks a little too highly of themselves, craves attention and admiration a little too much. They can’t take criticism, they blame everyone else when things go wrong, and they expect to get extra special treatment because they’re above the plebes and schlubs and “normal people” who cower beneath them.

But these kinds of narcissists also often have a charm about them, at least at first. Their outward self-confidence can be refreshing to be around, especially if you aren’t a person who feels a ton of self-confidence. But their bullshit quickly sours.

The blaming, the gaslighting, the manipulation, the way they constantly turn everything back onto themselves.

It gets exhausting.

The Vulnerable Narcissist

Let me paint a picture of someone else we all know too.

This is the person who’s much more reserved and doesn’t really seek out attention in all those loud and obnoxious ways. They can be shy at times, and they might even put themselves down a little too much.

Like a grandiose narcissist, they are hyper-sensitive and need constant reassurance. But unlike a grandiose narcissist, they don’t believe they are better than everyone else. In fact, they believe the opposite—they believe they are uniquely victimized or oppressed by everyone else.

Vulnerable narcissism is a more subtle form of narcissism. But it’s still narcissism. The difference is that a grandiose narcissist thinks they’re uniquely superior, while the vulnerable narcissist thinks they’re uniquely inferior.

A grandiose narcissist believes they are uniquely privileged while a vulnerable narcissist believes they are uniquely under-privileged. A grandiose narcissist takes pride in taking advantage of others while a vulnerable narcissist takes pride in being taken advantage of by others.

Like the grandiose narcissist, the vulnerable narcissist thinks they deserve special treatment because of their uniqueness.

These are the self-labeled, perpetual victims. They may be shy and outwardly self-effacing. But underneath that cowering exterior is a sense of grandiosity.⁴ They’ll get offended by the smallest slights and anything and everything distresses them.

Though grandiose and vulnerable narcissists are different in important ways, both are extraordinarily self-absorbed⁵ and have a fragile sense of self they have to maintain by viewing themselves as exceptional—again, either exceptionally extraordinary or exceptionally deficient.

They deny any realities that do not support their grandiose self-perception and as a result tend to engage only in superficial relationships or withdraw from social situations altogether.⁶

At the heart of it, both kinds of narcissists are overly self-entitled individuals who believe they’re special and that different rules in life apply to them.

Where Does Narcissism Come From?

Narcissism is a pretty complex personality trait, and psychologists haven’t completely untangled how it comes about, but they have found some clues.

For one, certain approaches to parenting appear to influence the development of narcissism.

There is some evidence to suggest that children are at a higher risk of developing narcissistic qualities if they grow up with parents who are authoritarian, highly indulgent, or overly neglectful of their children’s emotions.

Let’s take these one at a time:

1. Authoritarian Parenting

These parents try to control their children’s behavior to an unhealthy degree. They demand strict obedience to rules, while providing little in the way of warmth, support, or open communication.

Authoritarian parents may base their child’s worth on accomplishments and conformity to rules, which can lead children to develop an inflated sense of self-importance to cope with this pressure. They may also develop a deep-seated sense of entitlement as a defense mechanism against feeling unloved or not good enough.

2. Indulgent Parenting

On the opposite end of the spectrum, children who are overly validated by gushing parents also tend to end up as narcissists.⁷

Not surprisingly, if a child constantly hears how “special” and “wonderful” and “beautiful” they are (spoiler: you’re not special), they end up internalizing their parents’ inflated views of them and grow up to believe they’re entitled to extra privileges in life.

3. Neglectful Parenting

Also known as uninvolved parenting, this style is characterized by low levels of both warmth and control.

Neglectful parents may be unresponsive to their children’s needs and may not provide necessary guidance or feedback. They often fail to validate their children’s emotions or thoughts.

In response, children may develop narcissistic traits as a coping mechanism, using an inflated sense of self-importance to compensate for feelings of neglect and unworthiness.⁸

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On the surface, these parenting styles seem wildly different, so how could they all contribute to developing narcissism?

Well, the one thing they all have in common is that they don’t help the child to fully express a realistic, independent identity.

Authoritarian parents are overly controlling and therefore don’t let their children find their own way in life. This makes them seek more and more outside validation in order to feel good about themselves, which could turn into narcissism.

Indulgent parents, on the other hand, provide too few boundaries for their children, and instead contribute to an inflated sense of self that isn’t grounded in reality.

And neglectful parents provide little to no validation for their children’s emotional needs, so they might grow up narcissistic to overcompensate for feelings of shame and inadequacy. Shame, in fact, plays a crucial role in people who develop vulnerable narcissism.

It’s Not All Your Parents’ Fault

Now, before you go off and start hating your parents (or hating them more than you already do…), it’s important to understand that parenting is just one factor that might contribute to narcissism.

Research into the origins of narcissism is still in its early stages. We don’t really know how genetics, peer groups, trauma, and many, many other factors might contribute.

And so, while I think parenting is important, I’m not one to blame parents for too much.

In fact, a balance between each of the above parenting styles appears to be the antidote to raising narcissistic kids. Namely, children with parents who encourage their kids, show warmth towards them, set strong boundaries, and also have high standards for them tend to turn out pretty well adjusted.

So it seems that our parents just did the best they could, but they might have focused a little too much on one style over others.

My point is: don’t blame parents for everything. Most are just doing the best they can.

The Problem With Narcissism

The past decade or two has seen a very public debate about the possibility of a narcissism “epidemic” in our current culture, especially among young people.⁹

The reality is that every culture in recorded history has had to deal with narcissism and the myriad problems associated with it. At the extreme end, narcissism has been linked to substance abuse¹⁰ and a wide range of personality disorders, from bipolar to borderline and passive-aggressive disorders.¹¹

Grandiose narcissism tends to co-occur with antisocial traits and paranoia, while vulnerable narcissism tends to be accompanied by depression, anxiety, and suicidal tendencies.¹²

People with grandiose narcissistic traits tend to crave power¹³ and those who emerge as leaders can create a pretty toxic environment for the poor souls they reign over.¹⁴

And though it’s often grandiose narcissists who we see as exploitative, vulnerable narcissists are also not very good at empathizing with others and can be equally dickish.¹⁵ Worse, narcissism has been consistently linked with violence.¹⁶

Researchers bicker over whether narcissism is increasing in prevalence,¹⁷ but I’d argue this is merely semantics. Narcissism—both as a personality trait and a mental disorder—is as serious a problem today as it was in 1978 or ancient Greece, for that matter.

How to Deal With Narcissistic People

The first rule of dealing with narcissistic people is: don’t.

If you can avoid having to interact with a narcissist, then don’t interact with them. Don’t try to convince them, persuade them, change them, fix them, or change their mind. It’s probably impossible and even if it’s not, it’s definitely not worth it.

That being said, sometimes you have to deal with a narcissistic person and if you’re going to have to deal with them, then it’s important to understand how to go about it.

Obviously, how you deal with narcissists will vary depending on the context in which you interact with them; e.g., how you handle a narcissistic boss will be different from how you handle your narcissistic boyfriend and parents. Even in the same context, each individual is different, so obviously, the approach here varies.

But basically, the key to handling narcissistic people is boundaries.

Decide how much exposure you are willing to have to them, and decide to what extent you’re willing to interact with them. Decide beforehand what you’re willing to do and not do with them, what you’re willing and not willing to talk about with them, and what you’re willing and not willing to share with them. Then stick to it.

Narcissists have got nothing on you if you have and enforce boundaries in your life, be it with your colleagues, your friends, your partner, or even your family.

Unfortunately, most of us are pretty bad at maintaining healthy boundaries and as a result get embroiled in drama and end up doing things we don’t really want to do.

Having healthy boundaries means taking responsibility for your own actions and emotions—and NOT taking responsibility for the actions or emotions of others.

It’s when your narcissistic colleague tries to take credit for your work and you refuse and proudly stake your claim.

It’s when your narcissistic uncle asks to borrow money because something bad always happens to him and oh he’s so unlucky and you tell him a firm “no.”

It’s when your narcissistic partner tries to bully you into feeling guilty that you stayed late at work that one time and you call them out on their bullshit.

If you can’t avoid having narcissists in your life, surround yourself with boundaries. Draw lines in the sand and enforce them. If you want to deep dive into how, I’ve got just the article for you.

How to Deal With Your Own Narcissism

Plot twist: but what if you’re the narcissist? Not sure? Ask yourself the following questions:

1. Do you feel that people often don’t (or can’t) understand you or your problems?
2. Do you feel that there are many barriers in your life which you have no control over?
3. Do you often ask for help from others and/or feel like few people are willing to help you?
4. Do you feel like you often don’t receive the attention or appreciation that you deserve?
5. Do people often complain that you don’t listen to them, when in fact, you feel like they don’t listen to you?
6. Do you feel like most other people have lives that are much easier than yours?
7. Do you fight with close friends and loved ones often?
8. If so, is it usually their fault?
9. Do people suddenly drop contact with you with no explanation and refuse to communicate with you again?
10. Do you often feel helpless, like you have little opportunity to improve your life?

If you answered “yes” to most of the above, then you might actually be the problem.

If you recognize and accept you have narcissistic traits, congratulations: you’ve made it further than most narcissistic people ever will.

Clinical narcissism is notoriously difficult to treat. There is no one proven therapy, and the many recommended therapies commonly practiced all require long-term effort and engagement.¹⁸ In short: seek professional help and buckle down for the long haul.

If you’re simply exhibiting traits of narcissism some of the time, I’ve got some tips—or rather, some life-altering truths—to help reduce your narcissistic tendencies.

Narcissism boils down to believing you’re special and entitled to be treated differently than others. The antidote—and this is easier said than done—is simply to accept that you’re not special.

In fact, you’re average at almost everything, most of the time. And that’s okay. You don’t need to be special or great at something to be a worthy person or live a meaningful life.

Instead of weaving elaborate narratives to convince yourself of your specialness, you’ll be much better off avoiding labeling yourself anything and just living.

You don’t know if you’re great or not, and that’s fine. You’ll do your best anyway. You don’t know if you’re a victim or not. That’s fine. You’ll get better and feel healthy again anyway. You don’t know if you deserve good or bad treatment and that’s fine. You’ll take responsibility for your life anyway.

Find satisfaction in the simple, everyday pleasures of life.

Every day when you wake up, rejoice that you’re still alive. Marvel at the wonders of toothpaste when you brush your teeth every morning. See beauty in how the light reflects off the surface of passing cars. Be curious about other people.

You’re not “destined” for greatness. You’re not destined for anything.

Stop trying so hard to prove you’re better than everyone else. Stop whining about how unfair the world has been to you.

Take a deep breath and get on with your day.

Just like everybody else.

Yes, yes—I know you think that one book you read that one time changed your life.

Hell, maybe that was even my book.

And don’t get me wrong, self-help books can help, but I think people mistake what they’re actually doing.

Let me break this down for you.

The Not-So-Secret Secret of Self-Help

Let’s be brutally honest here: there’s really nothing new in self-help books. They’re just recycling ancient wisdom from religions, philosophies, and legendary thinkers.

The real game-changer?

Packaging.

People are freaking weird when it comes to advice, so how it’s delivered makes all the difference. Repackaging age-old knowledge lets these ideas reach more people than ever, and that’s not a bad thing.

Easy to Understand, Hard to Apply

Self-help ideas are the epitome of “simple but difficult.”

They’re a piece of cake to understand, but a massive pain in the ass to actually do.

Unlike intellectual or physical tasks, self-help problems are all about emotions. On the surface, they look simple as hell, but inside, it feels like you’re conquering Mount Everest.

That’s where the magic of packaging comes into play. The way self-help concepts are presented can give you a temporary motivational high, but it won’t last forever.

Learning: The Sneaky Saboteur

Sure, self-help books can kick-start some positive change in your life. But eventually, you’ll need to tackle something else that’s simple but difficult.

Here’s the kicker: learning can feel like progress, even when it’s not.

People end up using self-help books as a crutch to avoid facing their struggles head-on, thinking the next book will make everything a breeze. Spoiler alert: it won’t.

Also, fun fact: on average, a person who buys one self-help book will end up buying seven more.

Breaking Free From the Self-Help Trap

While self-help books can offer a helping hand, they can quickly morph into another obstacle. That’s why it’s crucial to focus on practical, real-world exercises and activities. The goal? To challenge ourselves and others to get off our asses and actually do something.

By moving beyond just talking and sharing ideas, we can spark genuine breakthroughs and create lasting change.

You’ve probably never heard of Kazimierz Dąbrowski.

He was a psychologist from the 1940s with a fascinating background. He studied with Freud’s contemporaries in Vienna, worked with mentally ill patients, participated in the Polish resistance during World War II, was captured and tortured in a prisoner of war camp, and lost many friends and family members in the process.¹

These traumatic experiences shaped his study of pain and trauma, leading to groundbreaking insights that are still relevant today.

One of those insights was Dąbrowski’s theory of Positive Disintegration,² which goes against a lot of the conventional wisdom around suffering.

He argued that a certain amount of psychological pain is necessary for growth and self-improvement. According to Dąbrowski, some degree of pressure and stress could bring out the best in people, forcing them to confront their limitations and evolve.

While Western psychologists at the time focused on self-esteem and happiness, Dąbrowski emphasized the importance of being realistic about pain and its potential benefits.

His ideas were revolutionary but remained largely unknown due to the Iron Curtain separating Eastern and Western academics.

Eventually, Dąbrowski’s work would go on to inspire a field of research, post-traumatic growth, that would help countless people grow from their pain.

Here, I briefly go over some ideas on psychological pain from before and after Dąbrowski’s time that echo his stance—pain as a valuable part of the process of life—and highlight a few takeaways that you can apply to your own.

Post-Traumatic Growth: Unlocking the Hidden Potential of Pain

Post-traumatic growth theory explores how our pain can lead to greater character and well-being.

Instead of viewing pain and trauma as purely negative, post-traumatic growth emphasizes the transformative power of adversity.

By learning from our struggles and embracing the lessons they teach us, we can become better, more resilient people.

It’s far from a straightforward process, but many factors have been identified that contribute to it. I’ve written about them here if you’re interested in digging deeper.

Buddha’s Wisdom on Perpetual Dissatisfaction

Buddha, a prince who seemingly had everything, realized that our minds are constantly attaching themselves to things, leading to perpetual dissatisfaction.³

He called this never-ending, suffering-laden cycle of life, death, and rebirth “samsara” and developed teachings to help people overcome it.

Buddha’s central message was about letting go of the mental pain and meaning we attach to our struggles. By recognizing that we have the power to decide how we interpret pain, we can use it as an opportunity for growth and self-improvement.

Do we see our struggles as pointless and blame everyone else for our suffering, or do we imbue them with meaning and take on the responsibility of dealing with the inevitable pain in our lives?

The choice is ours. And therein lies our power.

The “If I just do this, Then I’ll be happy” Game: A Human Quirk

The mental game we all play goes like this: If only we achieve a certain goal or reach a specific milestone, we’ll be happy.

Unfortunately, we often overlook the problems and sacrifices that come with these goals. This constant yearning for something more or better is both a blessing and a curse.

On the one hand, it keeps us motivated to survive and improve, but on the other, it can prevent us from finding lasting happiness and contentment.

The trick is to realize that happiness is a byproduct of a full life, not a goal in itself. It’s one of those things in life where the more we run toward them, the further they move away.

Let go of the illusion that if only you had X, you’d be happy. Accept your pain as part and parcel of life. Then let happiness find you.

Every day, we’re bombarded with messages telling us that we need to be happy all the time—and that, in order to be happy, we need the perfect job, the perfect partner, the perfect life. And we’re made to think that anything less than perfect happiness is a failure.

But the reality is that happiness is not a destination. It’s not something that we can achieve by ticking off a list of accomplishments or acquiring more and more possessions. Happiness cannot be found outside ourselves.

Rather, happiness is a journey, and it’s one that we have to actively choose every day.

Let’s start at the beginning.

What Happiness Is—And What It’s Not

Researchers tend to focus on two major components of happiness:

1. A subjective feeling of well-being. Essentially, what is your daily emotional life like? Notice it’s not “the subjective state of feeling good all the time” (more on that below). It’s about experiencing feelings that are more complex than simple pleasure—things like gratitude, joy, and meaning.¹
2. Satisfaction with one’s life. When you take a step back and look at your life as a whole, are you content with how things have gone so far? Have you taken the risks that were worth taking to you? If so, even if they didn’t pan out, are you glad you did?

So in the academic sense, happiness involves some combination of subjective well-being and having a sense of purpose and meaning in your life.²

There are, of course, a multitude of ways one can try to accomplish these things to be happier—solid relationships, staying physically and mentally healthy, finding meaningful work, and so on.

And that’s all well and good and helpful, but I think it’s just as useful to look at what happiness is not.

So here’s my take on that.

Happiness is not the absence of negative emotions

We often think of happiness as the opposite of sadness, anger, or anxiety. But the truth is that negative emotions are a natural part of life, and they can even contribute to our overall happiness.

Without negative emotions, we wouldn’t be able to fully appreciate the positive ones.

Happiness is not about feeling good all the time, but about learning to accept and manage the full range of emotions that we experience.

Happiness is not success

We often think that happiness is something that we can achieve by ticking off a list of accomplishments or acquiring more and more possessions.

But the truth is that success and happiness are not the same thing. Success can bring temporary satisfaction, but it’s not sustainable in the long term.

Happiness is about finding meaning and purpose in our lives, and pursuing the things that matter to us with passion and dedication. That might not be the same thing as what society deems successful.

Happiness is not a fixed state

We often think of happiness as something that we can achieve and then maintain indefinitely. But happiness is actually a dynamic state that requires ongoing effort and commitment.

We have to actively cultivate happiness in our lives by focusing on the things that bring us joy, connecting with others, and engaging in activities that give us a sense of purpose and fulfillment.³

Happiness is not something that we can find outside of ourselves

We often think of happiness as something that can be achieved by changing our external circumstances. But happiness is an internal state that comes from within.

We have to learn to accept ourselves and our lives as they are, and focus on the things that we can control.

When we cultivate a sense of gratitude and appreciation for the present moment, we can start to experience happiness in even the most challenging of circumstances.

What Makes People Happy?

So now that we know what happiness is and what it’s not, what does make us happy?

Well, while there’s no “formula” for happiness, there are a handful of areas in life that seem to affect happiness for almost everyone.

The details will change from person to person, but it’s clear that most people need some combination of the following to lead truly happy lives.

Healthy Relationships

Humans, for the most part, are strange when you step back and really take a good look.

Compared to a lot of other animals, we’re small, weak, slow, and very, very naked.

And yet, for better or worse, we dominate the world like no other creature ever has.

And that’s due to our ability to act in groups—that is, it’s our social nature that sets us apart. Cooperation through scalable sociability is one of, if not the defining feature of our species.

And just like a beaver must build a dam to truly express his beaverness, humans must form social bonds to fully express our humanity.⁴

We thrive on social connections and interactions. Cultivating healthy and positive⁵ relationships with friends, family, and romantic partners can add to our happiness and fulfillment.⁶

A Sense of Purpose and Meaning

How do you fit into the larger world? What are you contributing to it? How are you making a difference in the lives of others?

When we have a sense of direction and purpose in our lives, we feel a greater sense of fulfillment and satisfaction. This can come from pursuing meaningful work,⁷ engaging in activities that we enjoy, or contributing to a cause that we care about.⁸

This doesn’t have to be world-changing either. In fact, the biggest impact virtually anyone can have is immediately around them. Help a friend or neighbor or stranger even. Volunteer in your local community. Donate a few dollars⁹ to a local charity when you can.

Physical and Mental Health

Engaging in regular exercise,¹⁰ eating a healthy and balanced diet,¹¹ and getting enough sleep¹² can all contribute to a greater sense of well-being and happiness. We all know this by now.

And you are what you consume, but that doesn’t just apply to the food you eat.

Just like a good diet of healthy foods improves your physical well-being, a good mental diet will improve your mental well-being.

I’ve written about how quitting the news can have a profound impact on your day-to-day mental health. The same is true of trashy TV and mindless social media scrolling.

Stable Finances

Everyone seems to accept that “money can’t buy happiness”—and ultimately, that’s true. But it’s not quite that straightforward.

Allow me to explain.

Having a certain level of financial security can contribute to our overall happiness. When we don’t have to worry about bills or what will happen if life, well, screws us (and life will screw us at some point), we can breathe a little easier and not be so stressed out all the time.

But studies have shown that beyond a certain point, additional income and wealth have diminishing returns on our sense of happiness and well-being.¹³

So money cuts both ways when it comes to happiness in that 1) not having enough money to take care of yourself and/or your family can be stressful and lead to less happiness in your life; and 2) at a certain point, obsessing over making more money will only lead to more stress, and therefore less happiness, in your life.

So, how can we be happier in our lives?

Allow me to present two broad answers to this: a conventional one, and a not-so-conventional one.

The Conventional Path to Happiness

There’s no shortage of articles and books out there explaining how to be happier. Most of them involve some combination of improving the following areas of your life:

1. Your relationships.
2. Your physical and mental health.
3. Your job and financial situation.

There’s a lot of merit in this advice.  Working on these things will definitely help you lead a happier life—but for slightly different reasons than most people think.

You see, these things—relationships, health, your job/finances—are mostly prerequisites for not being miserable. That’s not the same thing as being truly happy, but you can’t be happy if you’re miserable, so it makes sense.

So yes, get your shit together:

• Cut out toxic relationships from your life and spend time with people you truly enjoy and who love and support you.
• Get a grip on your physical health. Eat right, move your body, and get some damn sleep already.
• Get a grip on your mental health. Quit the news. Stop doom scrolling. Turn off the screens. Practice some self-awareness. Meditate. Get therapy if you need to.
• Find a job that doesn’t suck the soul right out of your eye sockets while still allowing you to pay bills and enjoy life a little too.

If your life is a mess in one or more of these areas, of course you’re not going to be all that happy most of the time. So yes, getting these things figured out will almost certainly increase your levels of happiness on a day-to-day basis.

But there’s a whole other side to happiness that isn’t discussed very often.

The Unconventional Path to Happiness

I’ve found that beyond improving your life in the above tangible ways, there are some counterintuitive, paradoxical ways you can reach a truly new level of contentment and peace in your life.

Hear me out.

Keep Death in Mind—Every Single Day

Let’s start with your own mortality.

Not a cheery subject, I know, but stay with me here.

Death gives life its meaning. When you’re reminded that this is all temporary—that everything you know and love and care about will all be taken away one day—you’re forced to choose what’s important to you right now.

Put another way, our finite time on this planet forces us to choose what we give a fuck about.

In the shadow of your own death, all the frivolity of life melts away. Your material possessions, all your external success and accomplishments, the fact that the barista messed up your coffee order—none of it really matters when you think about how you’ll be rotting in your grave for far longer than you’ll be alive.

Instead, when life is viewed through the lens of death, what does matter becomes crystal clear: spending a few extra moments with people you love; helping others because you recognize we’ve all been thrown into this cosmic accident together; or simply just reveling in the fact—the miracle, really—that you’re even alive.

Embrace Your Flaws

A lot of people focused on “improvement” are trying to change something they dislike about themselves.

And while I think self-improvement is a noble pursuit, the end goal should be to stop at some point so you can move on to more important things outside of yourself.

When we’re so focused on “fixing” ourselves, we neglect to develop some of our more redeeming qualities.

Others focus so much on the “self” in “self-improvement” that they become narcissistic and begin to neglect other important areas in their lives.

Many other people are driven to improve themselves for the sake of others—impressing them, getting them to like them, showing the world they can meet some arbitrary standard they’ve set.

Rarely in this process do people stop to think about what would actually make them happier and more at peace with themselves, flaws and all.

Fail—Hard

In 1910, Teddy Roosevelt gave what would become a famous speech called, The Man in the Arena.¹⁴ He admonished the audience to stop being cynical spectators and instead put their own asses on the line:

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

What Roosevelt recognized is that most people equate failure with misery—so much so that they avoid failing at all costs and instead commentate from the sidelines to make themselves feel better about their inaction.

“Risk” is a dirty word to them, so they don’t take any.

The thought of feeling like a bumbling idiot of a beginner is so anxiety-inducing that they always play it safe—no new jobs, no new hobbies, no new ideas to ponder even.

An abject, all-consuming fear of rejection keeps many from putting themselves out there to make new friends or date new people.

And yet, it’s exactly these kinds of failures we must risk—and inevitably endure—to be truly happy.

Stop Trying to Be Happy

Happiness operates on the principles of what I call “The Backwards Law,” which states:

Put another way, the harder you try to change an internal state, the harder it will be to actually achieve such changes.

This is because desiring a positive experience is itself a negative experience, while accepting a negative experience is a positive experience.

So in terms of being happy, trying to be happy only highlights all the ways that you’re unhappy. On the other hand, accepting that life is full of unhappy moments allows you to accept them as they are and appreciate the happy moments more when they come along.

So stop trying so damn hard. Stop trying to find the holy grail of happiness. Stop trying to optimize everything in your life in the hopes it will make you happy.

Stop. And just start living your life.

All Articles on Happiness

I get a lot of reader questions about pain, trauma, challenge, and struggle. Most of these questions were some variation of, “Is there such a thing as being exposed to too much pain?” or “Are there situations where pain and struggle aren’t helpful but only hurtful?” or “What about trauma? Clearly trauma is a thing.”

These are all great questions. And in this article, I’m going to knock them all out with a deep dive into the psychology of pain, trauma, healing, and building resilience. In the words of the great Tom Brady: let’s fucking go.

“This Amount of Pain Is Just Right”

Everyone remembers the children’s story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears. You know, this porridge is too hot, this one is too cold, this one is just right.

Well, pain kinda works in the same way. Too much pain will lead to trauma and helplessness. Too little pain will lead to entitlement and selfishness.

But just the right amount of pain and struggle: that’s what allows us to feel a sense of accomplishment and meaning in our lives, which then builds up our sense of autonomy and self-worth—the bedrock of a mentally healthy and happy person.

So, how do you define the Goldilocks Zone of Pain? How do you know how much pain is “just right?”

Generally, research finds that when we’re challenged or struggle in ways that we believe we’re capable of overcoming, those struggles eventually invigorate us and lead to a sense of meaning and accomplishment.

But when confronted with struggles and challenges that we feel powerless to overcome, that’s when we get demoralized, and in extreme cases, experience trauma.

Pumping Psychological Iron

When it comes to understanding the value of mental and emotional struggle, perhaps the best analogy to understand it is physical exercise:

• If you never move your body or strain your muscles, you will become soft and weak and fragile. You’re more prone to injury. You have less physical power to keep yourself safe and healthy. In the same way, if you never mentally or emotionally challenge yourself, you will also become weak and fragile. You’ll be more easily upset and emotionally triggered by the world around you. You’ll have less psychological strength to keep yourself safe and healthy.
• If you try to do way too much exercise—or move way too much weight—you will injure yourself. This injury will lead to chronic pain that is outside of your control and will prevent you from having any agency with that part of your body. Similarly, if you experience psychological struggles that overwhelm you, you’ll be traumatized—and you will experience chronic psychological pain and feel debilitated in that area (or in many areas) of your life.
• The way to grow physically stronger is to progressively challenge your body to do slightly more difficult movements, lifts, and exercises than before. As you do this, your body adapts, becoming more resilient, more flexible, and more durable. This gives you more agency in the world and more ability to protect yourself and others. Similarly, the way to grow psychologically stronger is to progressively challenge yourself to confront experiences that are both challenging but also within your perceived ability to manage. As you do this, you will gain psychological strength and resilience, allowing you to have more agency in the world and remain healthy and resilient to whatever life throws at you.

Throughout history, people erred on the side of subjecting each other to more pain. This is because most of human history fucking blew. War, famine, plagues, slavery, tyranny were the norms of the human condition, not the exception. So people were hard on their kids, hard on each other, and had little sympathy.

This changed about a hundred years ago with the rise of Freud and widespread acceptance of psychology. These days, you could argue that in some ways, we are probably too soft. And the reason I think this happens is a confusion between sympathy and compassion.

Sympathy vs Compassion

I believe the problem today can be summed up simply: people mistake sympathy for compassion.

Sympathy is feeling bad for someone and wishing they didn’t feel so bad.

Sympathy is noble on the surface (“people should suffer less!”) but can often end up being subtly self-serving (“people should suffer less because I don’t want to feel bad for them anymore.”)

Compassion is similar to sympathy but different in an important way.

Like sympathy, compassion begins with feeling bad for someone. But instead of simply wanting the person’s suffering to go away, compassion involves someone who is willing to suffer alongside that person so that they may overcome their challenges.

Sympathy is sending flowers and a card to a friend when a parent dies. Compassion is driving to their house and holding them as they cry.

Sympathy is letting a screaming child have that toy they want so they’ll stop screaming. Compassion is letting them cry because you know they will be better off once they understand that they can’t always get what they want.

Sympathy is changing your profile picture on social media for whatever the new cause du jour is. Compassion is actually giving time or money to victims, listening to their stories, helping them rebuild their lives.

Sympathy is a good thing. We need it in the world. But it’s also easy. It’s short-term and short-sighted. It’s an, “Aw, I feel bad for him.” Sympathy is focused on the feeling rather than the person. “I hope they feel better.”

Compassion is about the person. “I don’t just hope they feel better, I hope they become better.” Therefore, compassion is more involved. It takes more effort—both mental and emotional.

Sympathy is trying to remove as much strain and struggle as possible. Compassion is trying to help a person move through a manageable amount of struggle so they can grow into a better person.

I believe that as a culture we’re over-optimized for sympathy and under-optimized for compassion. This is probably largely social media’s fault, but not entirely.

Sympathy is easy to communicate online. It’s also easy to see sympathy communicated between others. Compassion is like sarcasm, it is not communicated well online. It’s also harder to recognize between others.

We’re probably also over-optimized for sympathy because it’s easier to measure and study. It’s relatively easy to measure how good/bad a person feels. It’s incredibly difficult to measure whether someone has grown or not.

Physiotherapy for the Mind

To keep our exercise metaphor going, when we injure our body, how do we heal and become better?

With a combination of medicine and physiotherapy, body parts are eventually able to heal, regain function, and eventually become stronger. But it’s a long, painful process.

When confronting trauma, much like physiotherapy, you have to introduce tiny amounts of challenge extremely gradually. If you broke your back, you wouldn’t get up and run a marathon.

The goal is to first get up and take a step. Then two steps. Then walk down the hall. The marathon is likely not an option without years of consistent effort.

The problem is that psychological trauma is much more difficult to diagnose than a physical injury.

It’s difficult to tell the depth and scope of one’s emotional pain. It doesn’t help that the definition of trauma has pretty much expanded to include anyone who is emotionally triggered by anything, no matter how mundane or irrelevant. Therefore, it’s often difficult to know exactly what is just enough challenge for that person to heal and what is too much. This is why self-awareness is so important.

And this doesn’t even get into managing the emotional side of growth—i.e., how to better handle our emotions after we’ve been triggered and become incredibly hurt and upset.

If you’re interested in more on these subjects, you can check out Chapter 7 of my book Everything Is F*cked: A Book About Hope for an even deeper understanding of pain and struggle and how it operates in the mind.

 

Years ago, many readers wrote to me complaining that I didn’t include trigger warnings in my articles. This was 2014-15 or so. The trigger warning thing had become popular on university campuses and left-leaning news sites. Given that at the time many of my readers were young students, an expectation arose that I would follow suit.

Yet, I refused (and still do). Back then, this caused a lot of headaches for me and made sifting through my inbox feel like playing hopscotch in a minefield. “How could you not?” readers would write, exasperated. “I thought you cared about mental health issues.” Well, yes I do… which is why I don’t use them.

I remember when I was struggling and broke in my 20s, a family friend bought his daughter—who was a couple of years younger than me—her own house. One day, joking around with my dad, I said to him, “You know dad, if you really loved me, you’d buy me a house too.” He quickly replied, “No Mark, it’s because I love you, that I would never buy you a house.”

To me, it felt as though readers were coming at me saying, “If you loved us, you’d protect us from anything that might be upsetting or uncomfortable.” And I was responding with, “No, it’s because I love you that I will never protect you from what is potentially upsetting or uncomfortable.”

This shouldn’t have surprised anyone, as this is and was pretty much my entire message around personal development and self-help: pain is a healthy part of the process. Discomfort and upsetting ideas are what make you better. Confronting things that upset you helps you overcome them and yourself.

On top of that, I would argue, I doubt trigger warnings work, anyway. Anyone who has studied psychology (or advertising) for half a minute knows that people are drawn to what upsets them, not the opposite.

I took a lot of shit for this stance, back in the day. I even had a couple journalists talk some shit about me for not using them, implying that I was hypocritical. But whatever, I had better things to do. I guess you could say (here it comes) that I didn’t give a fuck.

The Verdict Is In

This is the part where I get to say, “I told you so.” 

Researchers have been studying trigger warnings for the past seven years and a couple weeks ago, the first meta-analysis was done to gauge how effective they have been. Meta-analyses are a big deal because they gather all the major studies that have been done on a topic and pull all the data together as though they were done in one giant piece of research. This gets them to a dependable result. And in regard to trigger warnings, the results were stark: They don’t help. At all. And in some limited cases, they may even make things worse.

Let’s talk about why.

Studies consistently showed that trigger warnings do nothing to alleviate fears, pain, or anxiety about upsetting material. In fact, in some rare cases, they actually made it worse.

Imagine you lose your job. That’s pretty fucking upsetting.

Now, imagine the way you lost it is that you’re at work, doing your thing one day, and a co-worker walks by and says, “Hey, just want to give you a trigger warning: you’re going to lose your job tomorrow, maybe don’t come in to work.”

Would that make you any less upset? Would it make you feel better at all? Would you be like, “Oh cool, I can just stay home tomorrow”?

No, not only are you still upset about losing your job, but now you have all this extra time to agonize and think about what the fuck is happening. This is, on a small scale, what trigger warnings do to people: it gets them upset about the fact that they’re going to be upset at some point in the future. 

The counterargument here is that, “Well, that analogy doesn’t work because trigger warnings help people decide what to read and what not to read.” But again, the data doesn’t support this. In study after study, researchers found that trigger warnings had no effect on people’s choice to read content. And, in fact, a few found that people with PTSD symptoms are actually more drawn to content with trigger warnings. 

This will not come as a surprise: as I mentioned earlier, people don’t turn away from what upsets them; they are drawn to it. Ever heard of, “If it bleeds, it leads?” Yeah, there’s a reason that is a thing in the news media: people can’t help but look at stuff that bleeds.

The Dying Fad of “Safety-Ism”

In their 2018 book, The Coddling of the American Mind, Jonathan Haidt and Greg Lukianoff write about a culture of “safety-ism” that arose in the early 2010s. They called it “safetyism” because it was a collection of morals and values that obsessed over and optimized everything for young people to feel safe and comfortable. This meant parents not letting their children play outside alone. It meant removing upsetting or controversial content from television, the internet, or news media. And yes, it also included trigger warnings.

The aims of safety-ism were noble. They saw that young people were experiencing greater amounts of anxiety, stress, and depression than previous generations and sought to remedy their angst by protecting them from anything that could potentially harm or upset them.

But this is not how the human mind works. The human mind is not fragile—it does not need to be protected and cushioned from the hard surfaces of reality like a vase or piece of fine china. The human mind is antifragile—that is, it gains from discomfort and strain. That means to grow stronger, the human mind needs to regularly be confronted with difficult and upsetting experiences to develop stability and serenity for itself.

Unlike most people, I’m actually optimistic that safety-ism has peaked. It’s been years since I’ve gotten an email complaining about trigger warnings. I get far fewer emails complaining about upsetting content or accusing me of some form of bigotry or fascism. Either I’ve successfully alienated all of those readers out of my audience or many of them are finally realizing and accepting that this bizarre “woke” version of the world is unrealistic and untenable.

Either way, surveys show that these sorts of ideas are not exactly popular. Most people don’t believe trigger warnings work. Only a small but loud minority does—17% of people, according to one survey.

But think about it this way. If you’re running a news media company in a highly competitive environment with razor-thin margins and you know that including trigger warnings can make 17% of people like your publication that much more, why not include them? Why not promote them? That 17% of readers can be the difference between a profitable year and an unprofitable year. They can be the difference between hiring more staff and firing them.

So you use them. They’re easy. They take no effort. And the 83% of people who don’t believe they work likely won’t notice or care anyway.

Then when you use them, your competitors start using them because they also want to win over that 17%. Pretty soon, everyone’s got trigger warnings. And suddenly, there’s this awkward sense that, “Wow, trigger warnings are everywhere—so I guess everyone must believe in them.”

And yet, most people don’t.

Like most things online, it’s a mirage. It’s simply another example of the great internet funhouse mirror: the views of loud minorities get exaggerated and the views of the silent majority are squashed and minimized.

Don’t lose sight of reality. Yes, the hard, persistently unpleasant, always surprising reality. Not the one invented in the minds of the mob on Twitter.

And never, ever email me about this dumb shit ever again.

In David Foster Wallace’s classic novel, Infinite Jest, there’s a movie that is so entertaining that anyone who views even a small portion of it will give up all desire to do anything else in life in order to keep watching. Throughout the book, characters who see it give up family, friends, careers, even eating and sleeping, just to continue watching the film.

The overarching theme of Infinite Jest is that it’s possible, both as an individual and as a society, to be too entertained. And much of the book’s 1000+ pages are about the absurdity of such a society. Wallace wrote Infinite Jest in the early 1990s, a time when televisions were just starting to get dozens of channels, news was being broadcast 24 hours per day, video games were taking over the minds of young kids, and blockbuster movies were earning unheard of amounts of cash at the box office each summer.

At the time, Wallace had just gone through a recovery program for alcohol and drug abuse. Yet, despite getting clean for the first time in his adult life, he noticed something strange: he couldn’t stop watching television.

Wallace seemed to understand that as media multiplies, so does competition for attention. And as competition for our attention multiplies, content is no longer optimized for beauty or art or even enjoyment—but rather for its addictive qualities. When there are two TV channels, the channel doesn’t really have to worry about you clicking away, they just make the best show they can. But when there are 200 channels, suddenly that channel must do everything it can to keep you watching as long as possible. Wallace saw this problem coming decades in advance, and with his personal understanding of addiction based on his recovery experience, he seemed to grasp the addict culture we’d all soon be a part of.

Today, we regularly mistake this addictive media for entertainment. There’s some psychological function deep in our brains that tells us, “Well, I just spent six hours watching this show, I must like it a lot.” When, no, its script is actually a mediocre piece of hot trash and you’re being manipulated by cliffhangers and bad writing for hours on end to keep watching. The same way you get hijacked into scrolling through social media way more than you’d actually like to, your brain gets hijacked to watch “just one more episode” to find out if so-and-so really died or not.

In social media, this “it’s addictive, but I also kinda don’t like it” phenomenon has been recognized and discussed to death. But in other areas of media and entertainment, we haven’t caught on yet.

Streaming services and Hollywood are the obvious culprits here. How many more mediocre Marvel Universe movies do we need to prove this point? How many more bad Star Wars spin-offs? How many bad Netflix shows with every episode ending in a cliffhanger? Everyone complains about how Hollywood doesn’t have any new ideas anymore. Well, there’s a reason nothing new is getting made: endlessly adding content to the same well-worn storylines keeps people hooked. Constantly playing to people’s sense of nostalgia and remixing classic genres is a risk-free way of guaranteeing viewership.

Music is in a similar place. For a while now, market research on music streaming services has found that people spend more time listening to old music instead of new music and the trend on this is in the wrong direction. Music lovers are voting with their mouse buttons and those mouse buttons are going back in time, not forward.

Veteran music producer Rick Beato has made a number of videos lately talking about how popular music the past few years has gotten simplified to the point where it’s one or two chords and a single melody, repeated over and over for two or three minutes. No chorus. No bridge. No variation. No build-up or release. Just an endless hodgepodge of catchy sounds repeated, one after another.

Part of this is because the economics of music streaming is such that artists have incentive to not create the best songs or albums possible, but rather to create as many small, simple songs that prevent you from clicking away as possible. It’s created an artistic environment where it’s better to have 200 decent, listenable songs rather than 20 brilliant songs.

A similar problem plagues YouTube, where the biggest creators rack up millions of views doing inane things like opening a thousand Amazon boxes or giving away cars to their friends, over and over and over again. On the one hand, it’s not that interesting. On the other, you find yourself mindlessly clicking on the next video, and the next, and the next, and the next.

When everything is measured in terms of engagement, content will be optimized for addictiveness. Not entertainment or artistic merit. Not intellectual substance or creativity. Pure, plain addictiveness. That means we, the consumers, get a higher quantity of more predictable, less innovative, less interesting art in our lives.

In the realm of art and music and film and television, this is really annoying and frustrating. It requires each of us to sift longer and harder to find something new and great. But where this optimization for addictiveness gets dangerous is another part of culture that I want to talk about… *takes a deep breath* …politics.

I’ve written before about how most people in the United States agree about most things, yet somehow our political parties and government continually find ways to do things most people don’t like. Many pundits have attributed this inconsistency between the public’s desires and the government’s actions with theories about the primary system or entrenched special interests or polarizing social media.

But what about this? Politicians—like Hollywood executives, pop stars, and YouTube creators—are incentivized to generate more engagement. Not great results. Just more engagement, all the time. Therefore, their actions are not optimized to produce smart policy or common sense bills or a shrewd compromise, but instead to grab and hold our attention as long as humanly possible.

David Foster Wallace saw this coming too. The president of the United States in Infinite Jest is a former pop singer who obsesses over his television ratings, thinks policy discussions are too boring and considers war with Canada based on how good his photo ops would be in military camo fatigues. In the book, terrorist groups run rampant, as the battlefield is not for territory or resources, but for eyeballs and headlines.

Ultimately, nobody can manage our attention but ourselves. We can get mad at Netflix or Spotify or the Senate. But ultimately, these systems are loose reflections of our own attention habits shining back at us. Change our attention, change the systems. There’s an old saying that people “vote with their feet.” Well, today you need to vote with your eyeballs and mouse clicks. Don’t watch the next episode of that poorly written piece of garbage that keeps teasing you with characters almost dying. Don’t listen to the next half-assed album with 27 different two-minute tracks. Don’t click on clickbait. Don’t mindlessly scroll through TikTok and YouTube, rewarding people for attention-grabbing stunts. And don’t watch or respond to politicians and pundits who try to blather on and on about pet issues but never actually get anything done.

In the chaotic, entertaining mess of Infinite Jest, there is the story of Don Gately, a recovered alcoholic who would literally rather die than relapse into his substance abuse. When I first read the book years ago, Gately’s storyline seemed out of place. Amid all this futuristic mayhem of short attention spans and insanely addictive entertainment and neurotic teenagers, Gately’s narrative seemed like an oddly conventional story of personal triumph over one’s demons and an ability to sacrifice oneself for others.

What I realize now is that Wallace wrote the character of Don Gately as an example of what we would all need to aspire to become: recovered addicts. People who can cut themselves off cold turkey, who can turn off the drug. People who can manage their own attention and not fall victim to endless streams of mindless engagement. People who can step above the fray of political addiction and demand substance over bluster. And not just for our own sake. For everyone else’s as well.

I started my first blog in 2007. By 2011, writing and publishing online was my full-time job. By 2013, that writing was being read by over a million people each month. And while the exact number has fluctuated over the years, that still remains true.

Early on in my career, as you would expect, I was grateful and amazed at the fact that so many people were reading my thoughts. How fucking cool was that?

But as the years went on, I started to realize what was actually special about my situation: the unique ability to be exposed to so many other people’s thoughts and experiences.

Over the past 15 years, I’d estimate that I’ve received questions and learned about the lives of around 50,000 people. These people have been of all ages, from grade school up to people in their 90s. They’ve been from all over the world, from the US to Europe to India to Japan to Africa and back. They’ve been of all races, religions, genders, sexual orientations, and socioeconomic backgrounds. The sheer variety of people that have shown up in my inbox looking for advice through the years is staggering. I’ve been truly blessed to be exposed to so many people from so many walks of life.

In fact, I truly believe that it’s the insane breadth of exposure that has had the greatest influence on my work. When you hear about life problems from Kenya, Serbia, India, Brazil, and New York, all in the same afternoon, you’re able to start zeroing in on what’s universal about the human condition and what is not.

And this has been my biggest lesson that I have learned from all of you, my readers. A lesson that is as liberating as it is shockingly obvious:

That while we all appear completely different on the outside, everyone is more or less struggling with the same three or four problems.

Sure, the contexts change and the cultures are varied and everyone’s life stories are inevitably different.

But at our core, whether we’re an insecure teenager from Quebec, an overworked woman from India, a worrisome grandmother from Texas, or a desperate immigrant living in Australia, we all seem to struggle with the same small grouping of stressors and anxieties:

“I’m unhappy in my relationship but don’t know if I should end it or keep trying.”

“I’m unsure of what to do for my future—I worry that I’ve been on the wrong path.” 

“I struggle with anxiety/anger/depression and it’s fucking up many areas of my life.” 

“I’m insecure about my money/status/appearance and wish I didn’t give a fuck.” 

And here’s what’s more incredible. Most of these people I hear from feel like they’re weird for having the problem that they do. The woman in India feels as though she’s strange for feeling this way and is afraid to tell anyone—just as the grandmother in Texas fears that she is weird, just as the teenager in Quebec feels that he is weird.

It’s sometimes amusing to get an email from someone who describes their problem and proceeds to write in it, “I don’t think anyone could possibly understand how I feel.” Meanwhile, there are four other emails in my inbox from people with the exact same problem. Sometimes I want to just forward these people to each other so they can create anonymous little support groups.

Early in my career, I used to stress about each of these emails. I couldn’t yet see the commonalities, so I would obsess over the details. Surely, being a teenager in Quebec means he’s different from every other teenager in the world. In my mind, there were as many problems in the world as there were people.

But as time went on, I started to realize that not only were these totally normal struggles and anxieties of the human condition, but that the best I could do in most cases was simply assure these people that they were, in fact, not weird. That their problems are not unique or special. That they should talk to somebody about it.

Because, ultimately, I don’t know their life. I don’t know their relationships. In many cases, I don’t know their culture. But what I do know is something incredibly important that few people have ever seen first hand: that they are not alone. 

This is why I structured my online courses the way I did: they are based on the same five or six problems that I hear from people over and over and over again: relationships, purpose, emotions, resilience, life planning, habits. Rinse. Repeat.

Because while our values, cultures, and life circumstances change—our core struggles as humans remain the same. Relationships are hard, but necessary. Trauma is inevitable, but healing is possible. Emotions cannot be conquered, but must be accepted and managed. A sense of purpose is not found, it must be created.

These struggles never cease being struggles. You may get your relationships figured out today, but something will happen down the road that will disrupt them and cause chaos and you will have to start again.

You might find some sense of purpose today, but in a decade, a dramatic shift in values will force you to pick it all up again.

You might feel like you have a handle on your emotions now, but some unexpected tragedy will one day throw you into life’s maw once again.

And when it happens, you must remind yourself that the uniqueness of your problem is an illusion, that the sense that you are somehow weird or abnormal is imagined. That as you continue through your life, pretending like nothing is wrong, everyone around you is merely doing the same.

This is why vulnerability is so important and so powerful. Not just for you to be able to express your pain and shame, but because expressing it means you are giving others, who have also remained silent, permission to express theirs. It’s healing not just for you, but for all those around you.

Or, you can just email me. And I’ll tell you what I tell everyone: “That’s totally normal. You’re going to be fine. You should actually talk to someone in your life about it. Tell them what you just told me.”